in thoughts...

This was the interesting topic that we were doing for our last cognitive tutorial... and man, am I experiencing an overwhelming amount of counterfactual thinking since yesterday...

Well, basically, what happens in real life becomes facts, can't change those... But in our heads we often do counterfactual thinking, trying to "undo" certain actions in our minds, and imagining the different outcomes that could have been...

Think Sliding Doors, you know, the movie starring Gwyneth Paltrow...

Well, in our lives, we construct counterfactual thinking
1. for its preparatory role - in case we face a similar situation next time, we can learn from our mistakes and do things in a better way next time
2. for its affective role - to make you feel better or make you feel worse, depending on what emotions you want to generate
3. to encourage creativity - generating possible alternatives allows you to explore all the ways things may have turned out differently
4. to make conversation more interesting (this point was contributed by Sarah from my Cognitive class... hehe... it's really quite true...)
5. to determine which was the main cause of the eventual outcome. Think this is something we had to do a lot of during History class... Well, I think the police have to do this too...

If I had not taken my phone and wallet to the Ladies, I would not have lost them.

Fact: I lost my phone and money. (effect/outcome)
Perceived cause: I took my phone and wallet with me to the Ladies.

Well... Maybe next time I shouldn't take my stuff to the loo... (that's constructing a counterfactual thought to prevent myself from losing my things again)

But... Maybe I would have lost it somewhere else even if I didn't bring it to the Ladies... Maybe if I went to the Ladies, left my things at a table or in the library for a couple of minutes, I may come back to realise that my stuff were taken ANYWAY... (that's constructing a counterfactual thought to make myself feel better - that the outcome will be the same no matter what I did)

Okie... That's considered my revision of this topic huh... think I understood it from the way the tutor was explaining... Now, on with what I found was interesting...

The tutor mentioned that old people tend to regret inactions more than actions, while younger folks tend to regret actions more than inactions... I wrote on 14 July 2003 the entry "How I wish I had..." By this tendency that my tutor mentioned, I think my mental age is much older than my physical age, haha... I'm a freaking 75 year old trapped in a 20 year-old's body...

I was wondering... WHY do old people tend to regret inactions more? WHY do young people tend to regret actions more?

Could it be:
Young people theoretically have more time to live, so if they have any regret for any inactions, this regret is minimized when they think that "If this happens to me again, I'll take action this time, instead of being passive and not taking action". The thought that they might die any moment does not occur to them as much as it does to the older people. Taking the probability that they still have a lot of their lives ahead of them, there is a high chance (or at least relatively higher chance compared to older folks) that whatever event they regretted their inaction for, this event may just happen again, and this time they can undo their regret by behaving in the "better" way...

Older people theoretically already do not have much time left to live, and if they keep thinking that they might just die any moment now, they will have the urge to "live life to the fullest", and thus, INACTION, is very much regretted. They may be thinking, "Aiyah, I should have just been brave at that point and did it. Now I won't get the chance anymore." In fact, they might be quite proud of their actions - even those moments and actions that they previously thought to be embarrassing, which now become stories of interest for them to tell their grandchildren...

Opinions, anyone?

I'm feeling a sense of relief (no, not the type you get after pissing)

Sis didn't scold me for losing the phone... Cos actually the phone is hers... she passed it to me when I wanted a phone... even the line is under her name... though I pay my own bill... so she's gonna help me pick up my SIM card... Phew... She was quite understanding about it... we decided it must be our incompatibility with this phone model... She had lost one Nokia 3330 which was actually her friend's; he had lent it to her... so she bought the same model back, which was the one I was holding, but her friend decided he didn't really need it back and she could have it... so she passed it to me... Damn.... it's like deja vu... We lost Nokia 3330s that didn't belong to us at the point when we lost it... so we've reached a consensus that we are quite "suay" with this phone model... No more Nokia 3330s...

Mom didn't scold me for losing the phone and the money... (she thought I only had less than $10 inside my wallet, didn't bother to clarify myself, cos dun wanna shoot myself in the foot and kena scolding...) She was feeling very "heng" that she decided not to pass me my mid-week allowance yesterday... wah, if she did, I'd have lost $60+ cash... I'm feeling a bit "heng" also... She had actually already prepared the $30 to pass to me, then she was thinking she needed to go out in the evening, and she didn't have much cash on her, so she was thinking maybe pass me my allowance next day...

Brother didn't scold me for being careless... he just "suan-ed" me the moment he reached home and was taking off his shoes... "someone so stupid lose the phone arh..." in his joking tone... then he started to look for his previous phone so that I could use it...

Dad doesn't know that I lost my stuff... AND Dad will NOT know about it... we're all in cahoots for this one...

I think itz because this is my first offence... if I lose something again, I will probably get HELL from them...

V offered to ask our friends to get me a phone as an early 21st birthday present if I couldn't get one... felt quite touched, but I told her it wasn't necessary...

Thanks, Gaozi, for offering to lend me your phone for the time being... the good thing about having siblings who are much older than you is that they tend to have solutions for you in times like this... I'll probably use my Bro's previous phone, or my sister's extra phone... and try damn hard not to lose their phones again....

Thanks to anyone who showed concern and empathy, as well as offering me the "bright" side of things... Sunshine, Gardenia, D, HY, A, J, V, XL and so on...

As it is, I'll have today - one whole day - and maybe tomorrow too, without the phone... And I'll try to enjoy it... Time to think about the hassle of having a phone with me all the time... If it's just to make me feel better...

One word describes how I feel: pissed.
Ok, make that two words: DAMN pissed.

Feeling pissed cos I recognize that it's partly my fault... for being so forgetful and leaving both my phone and wallet in the loo... Feeling pissed that there're people who will, for that amount of money, cause so much bloody inconvenience to other people...Feeling pissed because I've always prided myself on being very careful and not losing my stuff... well, at least not losing important stuff like this... If only I din go to the loo...

Ooohh, feeling pissed for pissing... haha... crap...

Well well... at least I managed to get my wallet back... SHE-WHO-TOOK-MY-PHONE-AND-MONEY had, in partial kindness and maybe charity, left my other wallet contents intact - my Matric card, IC, ATM card, SWAPS membership card (haha, wah, I paid for 4 year membership ah, dun play play), my little bit of ribbon from Transcend camp's Ribbon of Life, my public phone card (hah, maybe thought in case I needed to call people to get help huh?)... well, at least didn't have to go to the trouble of reapplying for all those important cards and documents...

had to go off for tuition after realizing I lost my stuff... managed to fall asleep on the bus ride again... sleep is therapeutic... well, at least it made me less pissed off... so my tuition kid didn't realise I'm actually in a sucky mood.... I actually managed to crack jokes with her... HAH... Am I a good actress or what... And it bloody had to rain just as I was walking to my tuition kid's house... Even the skies had to have a go at "pissing" me off... And it was raining even more heavily by the time I left... good thing I had my umbrella - otherwise known as anti-sky-pee-gadget...

Sigh... Shitty day.... well, pissy day too... a day so full so shit and pee... haha... hope no one's reading this right after dinner...

I must be feeling generous today... Cos I left my phone and wallet in the loo... and they were just "screaming" for people to take them... So someone did...

To: SHE-WHO-TOOK-MY-PHONE-AND-MONEY

Take my phone(oooohh, batteries included, small parts, not suitable for children under 3 years of age)... It's okay... Sell it and get a measly $70 or $50... Go ahead...Oh, I'm sorry it's an outdated Nokia 3330... But its in good working condition... Maybe you'll get slightly less cos it's without the original cover... But that's all right I guess...

Take the $30+ cash you found in my wallet... Go have a good dinner... Binge on your favourite food... Go ahead... Thanks for taking even the coins in my wallet's coin compartment... it really made my wallet a lot lighter...

Well, since I'm feeling generous today, tell you what, I'll just add in a little extra, just for you... I'll add a wish from me to you - I hope you get $100 worth of bad luck...

Oh... And that's not all.... For this wonderful deed you've done, you get BAD KHARMA.

Hey, go on... take that last one... you EARNED it... It's all yours...

Heh, was sending D the Calvin & Hobbes website I promised him... and suddenly remembered that I mentioned a Calvin & Hobbes comic in my entry on 1st Aug 2003...

Created a link... wah, first time I managed to do this type of thing... haha... I mean, I took a reaaaally long time to get that comments thingy up... haha... oh yah, E, remind me to tell you how to get it up on your blog... ;)

When you're not tech savvy, little things like that can give you a real kick... haha...

Monday - Stats II Class...
Went in for a regression tutorial without reading up on regression... Tutor assigned each pair of students one part of a question... I was sitting beside my project group mate, who's quite smart, so though he also didn't have a clue what regression was about, some flips of the lecture notes, two minutes of discussion, and eventually an answer by another student for a similar question, CONFIRMED that we were on the right track and our answer was correct...

Managed to catch on as the tutor went through the tutorial, so it was like a crash course on regression... heh... feeling extra sense of "profit" cos I had skipped that lecture, did not read lecture notes before tutorial, but actually managed to gain something from the tutorial...

I should be feeling guilty from not keeping up, especially when it's so near exams... haha...

Wednesday - Cognitive Psych Tutorial
Had read the assigned article way back, when I first got the notes at the beginning of the semester (Shout KIASU at this point... or MUGGER! haha)... aiyah, was lacking intellectual material to read at that point... and after like 3 months of hols I had a short-lived sense of "I SO wanna work hard!" feeling... haha... anyway...

Had only a hazy recollection of what the article was about... told Db on Mon that this was one of the most interesting articles assigned in Cognitive tutorials... read the article again on Tuesday... well, tried to lah, but fell asleep on the bus... as usual...haha...

Had come to school early in the morning to try to complete the tutorial, as well as do the one for IO Psych... Did not work out well... did half half of everything...

Cognitive tutorial - Lousy turnout of class... 6 people out of a usual class of at least 20... Tutor asked question, looked around, I answered. Not a very good answer, asked me to try again. I did. Still need to modify. This other girl in class, S, tried her answer. Bingo. Question 2. I knew answer. Looked around. Everyone else's head down. I answered. Tutor said correct. He elaborated, pointed out other examples, asked for examples, S, me and A, a girl I knew from my Stats II class, we contributed. Tutor decided that "that corner" of people very quiet. A girl from that corner answered. And so it went on... This is one cognitive lesson in which I talked most... good thing it was an article I liked... We were joined by 2 girls who were late by 30 minutes... but they talked, so wasn't that bad...

Hey Db, I still think itz a very interesting topic... will blog on it later... oh and you know what? Tutor said, not very likely that we'll be tested on tutorial stuff... itz just supposed to make us read more widely and make things interesting, though he said he couldn't be sure... haha... oh well... at least he was an interesting tutor...


Wednesday - Lunch, 1 hour break before IO psych
wanted to eat fast fast then do the rest of my IO psych tutorial... cos only finished half...
BUT... didn't lah... sit there... crap crap laugh laugh with HY and D... in the end... nothing much done...

Wednesday - IO Psych tutorial
First half of tutorial was ok... cos I did my work, the article was quite common sense, can crap... anyway D happened to be in my small group, he was very "zai", so I din have to talk much...
Second half of the tutorial - the part I didn't do... All the specific terms came up... Din know what the HELL was going on during my small group discussion... SYg saw my "lost" look, which I think was quite apparent, from the way I was desperately flipping through my book hoping the answer will jump out at me... so she sort-of explained the stuff to me... THANKS (if you happen to be reading this...hehe)!!

CONCLUSION in the Middle of the Week: I'm half of an airhead. And maybe three-quarters of a PEA-brain. HAH.

I kept thinking about the word 'hug' today... must be because was primed by ZS's blog which I read early in the morning at AS7 Comp Cluster before my lecture... haha...
He wrote about Woman being created from the bone of man, taken from the chest of Man, to be hugged, protected and loved...
Lovely quote... It gave this nice tingling sensation when I read it... Think it's a Christian thing, about Eve being created from the rib of Adam, if I remember correctly...
Just happened that I brought my new fleece jacket to school today... It's very nice and thick... and just a wee bit big for me... So when I wore it for the first time today, had the feeling of being hugged... haha... yah man, hugged by my jacket... sounds stupid, but it really feels super comfortable, especially in the cold cold cold LT 9...
Then later after class, talking to A and SY... suddenly asked them, if they could choose, would they want the first intimate gesture from the guy they like to be a hug or a kiss... dunno why I would think of this question but yah, just asked them... Both of them replied that they would want a hug... hehe... found it quite amusing, cos that's how I feel too... Hugs are such feel-good gestures...

My favourite reel-life (movie) hug of all time:
From the Chinese movie, 心动
(I think, the one starring Gigi Leung and Takeshi, No, not Turn Left Turn Right... quite long ago one...)
It was quite cold weather, both of them wearing jackets, Takeshi sitting on a railing kind of thing, so he's like "taller" than Gigi. So Gigi buries her face in his chest, and he uses his jacket to "wrap" her inside the jacket... while she wraps her arms around his waist... Such a lovely hug... It was the one scene that made their acting as a couple seem very very real...

Something by Bertrand Russell, came across this in JC General Paper class...

***

What I Have Lived For
Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a deep ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair.

I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy - ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness - that terrible loneliness in which one's shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it, finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of heaven that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of men. I have wished to know why the stars shine. And I have tried to apprehend the Pythagorean power by which number holds sway above the flux. A little of this, but not much, I have achieved. Love and knowledge, so far as they were possible, led upward toward the heavens.

But always pity brought me back to earth. Echoes of cries of pain reverberate in my heart. Children in famine, victims tortured by oppressors, helpless old people a hated burden to their sons, and the whole world of loneliness, poverty, and pain make a mockery of what human life should be. I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, and I too suffer.

This has been my life. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what - at last - I have found. I have found it worth living, and would gladly live it again if the chance were offered me.

- Bertrand Russell

***

When I read that in JC, I was like, wow.
Now when I read it again, I'm still like, wow.
I wanna live my life like that too.

had great tuition sessions today... R was attentive and could understand her problem sums well... B was still hyperactive but he stayed in the seat about 80% of the time, AND did very well for the revision papers I assigned as homework AND apparently scored very highly in the science test that his afterschool childcare assigned... He didn't irritate me so much today... Just a little... but bearable...

I think the happy mood was carried over from yesterday too... went with SY, P, Y to IMM to check out the place for our bazaar, then stayed there to shop with SY, Y... talk about CHEAP thrills huh... haha... all that "hazzle" opps, hassle in the corner of the shop with all that apparel... "aunties-in-training"... and joined by G later... it was all quite fun...

On the way back from tuition today... sitting on the bus... the bus stopped at this traffic light and I was looking out of the window when this taxi stopped beside the bus... the cutest little Malay girl (think big eyes and cute bangs) waved at me... Heh... I smiled and waved back... so cute... then my bus turned the corner first, and the taxi went by... the girl was still looking at me... she looked so sweet...

after that I fell asleep on the bus... when I woke up it was raining... then the bus passed by this bit of flat empty field and I saw the most amazing display of lightning... It looked as if it was only 200 metres away... stretched all the way from the ground to the top of the sky... cool... remembered that day dunno who were talking about how impossible it is to capture lightning with ordinary cameras... think it was G n ZS...but it'd have been great to be able to do that...

I don't know if I'm the only idiot who has this experience, but I'll just like to share it, because it's made me think a bit about life...

I'll look up a word in the dictionary, say, intrinsic. So I'll flip to a page that's got words starting with "in" and has yet to reach "intr" or something... then I'll run my finger down the list till I find the word... The thing is, more likely than not, I'll miss the word... Overshoot... go right past THE word I'm looking for... this has happened more than once or twice... Well, of course if I concentrate real hard, I'll probably not miss the word... so maybe it's a thing about attention and concentration...

Another example... My desk is often in quite a mess until I find a nice afternoon to try to clear it up... Thereafter, it'll look like part of a civilised human's study environment for about 2 weeks max, before things start piling up again... So, I'll be trying to find a big object, like my super big stapler or scissors, it'll be staring at me straight in the face, and I'll miss it... I'll be like, "I know it's here, I put it here, I left it here, WHO TOOK IT?!" and then suddenly, I repeat, SUDDENLY, I'll see IT... Like after 10 minutes of searching in a confined space... You'd think I'd spot it faster, but NO...

But I just thought... Maybe I'm like this in real life... Maybe I'm looking so hard for happiness, deep friendship, success, satisfaction, that I do not realise that I already have them, or that I could just reach out and grab them before they pass me by...

Another somewhat related thought... I was marking my pri 3 tuition kid's Primary English homework... those who've mugged for PSLE would probably have used this book too.. haha... I still remember my tattered, hand-me-down one, used by my sister and brother... Anyway... you know how they like to drill you by having one whole exercise of similar answers... Like asking you to fill in "shall" or "will"... So it goes, they "will", we "shall", I "shall" and blah blah... that particular exercise I was marking, all the answers were to be "shall"... I kept looking at the word, marking, marking, then suddenly I thought, "Hey is this the correct spelling or not? Why is it spelt this way?" And it seemed that for a moment, I couldn't "recognize" the word "shall"... which is ridiculous... I mean, I've seen this word like a million times maybe, throughout my life... And a few seconds ago my brain was processing the thought that if I see the letters, S-H-A-L-L, it makes up "shall", which is the right answer, put a tick beside it... But just for that moment, it didn't register in my head as "shall"... Was it because I was so used to seeing that word (for that couple of minutes) that I numbed myself to it and thus failed to recognize it?

That has happened when I'm looking up the dictionary too... I'll be looking for the word baboon, for instance, I'll pass the word "baby" and it'll totally not register as the sweet innocent crying-like-nobody's-business young form of humans... Did I miss that word because it is not what I'm looking for?

So.... Am I not recognizing the happiness, deep friendship, success and satisfaction that's already in my life? Did I miss anything else that's good just because at this point I'm not specifically looking for it?

Hmmm, maybe the above behavior can be explained by some cognitive psychology theories.. or maybe not... Anyone wanna use me as a case study then? Titled "The Moron who can't locate words in dictionaries - The Mystery"

haha...

"Women change. What you have to understand is that at different times in her life, a woman is like the world. Well, from thirteen to eighteen, she's like Africa - virgin territory. From eighteen to thirty, she's like Asia - hot and exotic. From thirty to forty-five, she's like America - fully explored but generous with her resources. From forty-five to fifty-five, she's like Europe - a bit exhausted, a bit knackered, but still with many places of interest. And from fifty-five onward, she's like Australia - everybody knows it's down there somewhere, but very few will make the effort to find it."
"Eamon Fish", Tony Parsons in "Man and Wife"

When I read this quote I was quite amused. Then an afterthought. Hmm, maybe I shouldn't be amused. I mean, that character is trivializing and making fun of the female species. Did I feel amused because I've been used to literature that speaks of women in this same tone? Then paranoia set in. What kind of shit have I been putting up with without realizing it? Have I been conditioned to take insults as comments of wit? Have I been taught to laugh at myself and all the women in the world?

Something by Oscar Wilde... All three characters are from his literature, but with different views of women, and men...

"Women are a decorative sex. They never have anything to say, but they say it charmingly."
"Lord Henry", Oscar Wilde

"You should never try to understand them (women). Women are pictures. Men are problems. If you want to know what a woman really means - which, by the way, is always a dangerous thing to do - look at her, don't listen to her.
"Lord Illingworth", Oscar Wilde in "A Woman of No Importance"

"The strength of women comes from the fact that psychology cannot explain us. Men can be analysed, women...merely adored."
"Mrs Cheveley", Oscar Wilde in "An Ideal Husband"

Now now... I like that last line... Am I a feminist? Sometimes... But I recognized that it was paranoia, you know, the part about what shit I've been putting up with... I don't want to fight battles against imaginary misogynists...

1. DO NOT LISTEN to her.
2. SHADOW her words as she is speaking.
3. LOOK AT SOMETHING ELSE when she is trying to show you something.
4. PRETEND to look apologetic when you're not.
5. MAKE HER REPEAT THE SAME QUESTION about 5 times before you ask, "huh? what's the question arh?"
6. TWIST and turn your rotating chair to and fro, hitting her leg with each turn when she is sitting about 2 inches away from your chair.


Suddenly I forgot how else I can be irritated... All these are courtesy of my primary 3 tuition kid, BC. Congratulations boy, you're the youngest member of the opposite gender to earn a space on my blog.

I'll complete the other 4 items SOON. Like when I go for the next tuition session. I always get revision of the "How to get irritated" module.

Well I should say that he makes me laugh sometimes. Kids... Dunno whether to laugh or to cry sometimes...

While I was studying for my social psych test (yes, that was quite some time ago..), came across this bit that read:

"Wilson and his co-workers (1993) had people choose one of two art posters to take home. Those first asked to identify reasons for their choice preferred a humorous poster (whose positive features they could more easily verbalize). But a few weeks later, they were less satisfied with their choice than were those who went by their gut feelings and generally chose the other poster."

Myers, David G., Social Psychology (7th Edition), McGraw-Hill, New York, 2002

And I thought, maybe it's the same with love? Sometimes we reason so much:
I'm with him because he gives me security.
I'm not with him because he can't make me laugh.
I'm with him because he loves me more than I love him.
I'm not with him because he's not good-looking.
I'm with him because he can provide for me.
I'm not with him because he's too good-looking for me.
I'm with him because I can't live without him
I'm not with him because he's too serious.
I'm with him because he won't hurt me the way my ex did.
I'm not with him because he's not serious enough.

Above sentiments are not my own... But I've heard them enough times to provide a lousy survey of why people are or are not together...

Maybe Love's not about reason.

Darn, Love must be unreasonable then.

Haha...

Was just thinking how girls always like to say the good men are either attached, married, gay or dead... Hah, maybe the guys are thinking the same thing about girls...

Here's my take:

That sounds damn sad.

Well, just take a look around you... I'm sure there are great personalities who are still unattached, not yet married, maybe divorced... Maybe you haven't really seen them for who they really are... Maybe you haven't made the effort to get to know them... Maybe you're thinking, "If he/she is really that great, why is he/she still unattached? Must be he/she got some problems - abusive/bad temper/uninteresting..."

And when you spot this person you find really attractive and boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife material, and find that they are attached or married, you think, "Aiyah! I knew it! Too good a catch! Already taken!" It's like a confirmation of your good taste...

Then if you're unattached, you look at yourself and think, "I'm not attached, not because I'm not nice/good/attractive/charming/interesting/desirable, but because... THE TIME IS NOT RIGHT!"

Fundamental attribution error at work? Maybe.

after reading somebody's blog, haha, yes it's you SY, felt that my blog seems trivial in comparison... but hey, if it means that for my blog to be non-trivial, something has to happen to me, then I rather my blog stay trivial.... think my life's good as it is... it's just that I like to create havoc within my little world... thought of this poem... wah, haven't written a poem in ages...in case of any misunderstanding, must clarify that in the poem, both "She" and "I" refers to me alone, just a matter of transition...

SHE
In a world of her own
she's afraid of water
sits in her small filmsy boat
she's afraid of what lies
beyond that edge
she's afraid of what she can't see
her boat is rocking
waves crashing
a storm must be coming!

But her boat is sturdy
no storm is coming
no waves are crashing
mere ripples
she's in a basin
the world beyond that edge
belongs not to her.

She fights her own battles
i can't deny
but she's just a toy
what troubles can she have
not in the same boat anymore
i know
now.

14/10/2003

Was a bit reluctant to share this blog with my friends at first... but slowly realised that it can be good to share my thoughts with them... partly because I'm a lazy friend... I seldom call people up to maintain my friendships... Haha, E, I think you can relate to this... I'm a freaking good listener (hiak hiak hiak, if I may say so myself... hey, I AM being serious...), which means that sometimes I tend to listen and may not find the time to say my side, my opinion, my view... especially when the other person has much more to say... or much more to get off their chest, I'll just let them say it...

So this is where my thoughts get known... And itz not really like a record of things that happened each day of my life, but much deeper than that... it's what went through my mind when things happened, when I see things that people may not give a second thought to... it tells you what things I notice... It tells you my views and opinions...

At first I thought if I told my friends about my blog I'd be compelled to be socially and "politically" correct if I don't want to offend them... But I think, if you're reading my blog, I suppose you should be prepared to read stuff that may not be music to your ears, especially if we have different views.. But I won't do any personal attacks here... haha.. at least I'll try not to...

Still, I want to keep this blog known to only a few people.. don't need so many people to know what goes through my head... but if you have stuff to tell me, about your opinions of my opinions( haha, that sounded weird), please tell me okie... ;) It keeps my blog going too... ;)

haha... was trying to show some "gushing" up there in the title... Don't know if anyone caught the drift...

A guy friend was commenting that day how it's irritating the way girls gush over everything: animals, things, guys... This comment came about because a friend P was showing us a picture of a super cute cat... Anyone who knows me knows that I'm nuts about cats... haha... so of course I couldn't help saying, "Ooooohhh, soooooo cute!!" Well, I wasn't the only one gushing over the cat ok, if you're thinking "That's so Joanna..."

My friend Db replied the guy friend that hey, guys gush over girls too, just that they don't do it openly...

Thinking about this idea of gushing over stuff... I admire people who gush over important stuff though... not over guys, girls, cats, dogs, cool gadgets... I've a friend who's really passionate about art and literature, so everytime she updates me about something she's interested in at the moment, I'm always captivated by her "gushing".... It's a reflection of her passion in the subject... And even though I may not have the slightest idea what's she telling me, I'll be interested to find out...

I like to know people who are passionate about what they do... they kinda give me hope that one day I'll find a job I like, a job I can be passionate about everyday... a job that gives me intrinsic satisfaction... Maybe it doesn't have to be a job... maybe it's a hobby, maybe it's a type of music... I don't know... haven't found my passion yet... thought I found something in volunteer work, but now I've lost it, don't know whether it still works for me... Sometimes it can be very draining... probably because of the emotions invested in it...

But it's really great how some people can have so much passion in something that they have enough to share it with you... it's like the happiness spills over and they want to give it to someone else to have a bit too... passionate enough about something to be so involved in it, yet not so obsessed or self-contained that they shut out the rest of the world...

I wonder what the world would be like without mirrors... without reflective surfaces... where water gives no reflection... where glass panes reflect nothing while still allowing you to see through it...

If people don't know how they look, would they behave differently? If attractive people didn't know they were attractive, would they be more humble and less presumptous? - yah yah, generalization... I do know some unpresumptous attractive people... let me get my point across first... If unattractive or less attractive people didn't know they were unattractive or less attractive, would they be more self-confident and less restrained? - yah yah, generalizations and assumptions... give me a moment before you pounce on my words...

It'll be like the game where everyone sticks their card taken from the deck to their forehead... the whole world but you knows what number your card reads...you're the only idiot who doesn't know... but hey, they don't know their own number too... you can trick them... they can choose whether to believe you... you may look at someone's card and think yours is highly likely to be higher, but hey, who knows right?

If you didn't know how you looked, you wouldn't know how you measured up to the person next to you... you can laugh at how ridiculous or ugly or disgusting the person next to you appears to be, but for all you know, you could be worse... maybe that would stop your laughter...

When you have a mirror and know how you look, you'll compare (ah, come on, don't pretend you don't...) And that's probably where the imbalance in the world comes about... some people have inflated egos... others get low self-esteem...

While I was entertaining the thought in my head that mirrors were bad, I suddenly felt that, hey... actually mirrors offer objective information... it's the interpretation of what you see in the mirror that's subjective, and perhaps the source of the unwanted stuff-eg low self-esteem...

To focus on specific parts of your looks, for example, to say that I have long eyelashes, nice smile and nice eyes is to try to play up these good points in a bid to try to ignore my other wanting features... a consolation of sorts...

but I think I can live with that...

In fact, I think that might be the only way I can live with myself...

A poem I wrote in secondary school... a period of time when everyone around me were stuck in a frenzy about looks... wait a minute... maybe the frenzy's still there now... haha...

THE UGLY CHILD
Alone in her room, she sits and stares
At the blank ceiling, so white, so bare.
There is no mirror on the walls,
Closed are the windows and the doors.
The curtains have been drawn since long ago,
So no stares can enter, nor the Sun's cheery glow.

No one enters to see the girl,
Loneliness slowly engulfs her.
But she will not step out to seek the rest,
For they feel only they are the best.
With them she knew she would never belong,
Friendship was like a never-heard-of song.

For years within the walls she was trapped,
Nowhere from sadness could she hide.
But not until the day she died,
Was she going to venture outside.
Death was something she was not afraid to face,
To face people, she just could not be brave.

There was once when she stepped out,
Into the heartless world so proud.
Cruel children laughed and asked,
Why can't she simply wear a mask?
Adults stared at her in distaste,
Others simply looked away in haste.

Why did they do that? What was it?
Was it her disfigured face? Was that it?
She remembered asking Mom and Dad,
Why did they have to treat me like that?
Because they live in their perfect little world,
Insensitive to the less fortunate like her.

All others, with beauty they had been blessed,
Still, they want perfection and nothing less.
They shout and scream and make a fuss when they have a zit,
When all she wanted was to look better, just a bit.
Many times she wonders why the world is so unfair,
But there is no one to answer, no one there.

Alone in her room she sits and stares,
At the blank ceiling, so white, so bare...

Was out for tuition the whole of today... During my travel time on the bus i was feeling very hardworking... i actually bothered to bring my "blogbook", a book i use to write "scraps" of my thoughts, before they fly away.... haven't written in so long, but so much to write, i just have to jot them down before i forget...

when i came online, i went to read someone's blog... now i'm feeling lazy... i just discovered this blog, so there's a whole long list of archives.... reading good blogs make me feel lazy to write my own... can't even be bothered to capitalize my 'i's.... will try to blog in a while....

saw a beautiful sunset on my way back from tuition... lovely... din have my camera or my bro's digi cam with me... so sad... when i have the camera i get rainy days or clear blue skies devoid of clouds.... darn....

Sometimes it's so hard...

Today my friend V spoke to me in the morning, saying that she may be interested to go overseas after finishing her Bachelor degree here, to do a psychology degree.. So she was asking about psychology stuff, and I tried my best to answer... She did very well in A' Levels, so she's hoping to get a scholarship overseas based on that... I don't know if that's possible, so I couldn't tell her much about that... But I could tell that she was excited about this prospect, so I told her to go try and check things out...

In the afternoon, I saw her on ICQ, she was already having doubts... Just now, evening time, I think both her parents poured cold water on her hopes...

Perhaps she was influenced... maybe she had sudden wish to go overseas because her elder sister just received a scholarship to do her Masters overseas... Partly because she hasn't been happy since she went to Bizad... She's been wanting to study overseas, be it on exchange or further studies...

It's hard sometimes to hold on to our happiness... to hold on to our hopes... sometimes we really just need hope.... even if it can't come true... at least it keeps us happy, at least for a while...

I can just imagine V griping about this many years later... so I told her just to give it a try, go and find out more information about requirements... I think she should try now, perhaps it will work, rather than many years later, complain about the whole string of wrong moves she made...

Believe in yourself... it's damn freaking important... so much is at risk when you don't believe in yourself... self-esteem is hard to regain once you lose it...