in thoughts...

I'm about to burst. No that sounds too mild. Make it explode.

Just finished one damn last minute project last night. Was quite happy cos even though that group project started late cos we procrastinated, they're quite good last minute workers, so in the end the product was not too bad.

You never realize how good one seemingly lousy project group is, until you meet a WORSE one.

I could fill this entry with a lot of vulgarities. I would if I could find enough to express myself.

told them to send me their parts so I can compile. Late, never mind. Still got a bit of time.

opened up the attachment and realized: she totally din register anything that we said in the last discussion. FOR GOODNESS SAKE, LISTEN! give me late, at least have some quality can??!!

wah lau. I HATE THIS. and my god, i still have to do ONE MORE FREAKING presentation with this group.

okie i shouldn't slam the whole group. It's just this one person. WAH LAU! And for the presentation, she actually VOLUNTEERED to do a very big, and long part. I'm freaking out now. Damnit.

Rocket: I like hearing myself talk. It is one of my greatest pleasures. I often have long conversations all by myself, and I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Dragon-fly: Then you should certainly lecture on Philosophy...

Oscar Wilde, "The Remarkable Rocket"

:)

"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or objects."
Albert Einstein

was just flipping thru my destop calendar with daily quotes of Einstein (heh, i stopped flipping at 24th February, cos was too lazy to flip everyday... or rather, too occupied... kinda defeats the purpose of having one of these calendars tho...)

saw this quote.. A happy life... doesn't sound difficult... but it probably is hard to find... tying it to a goal - all right... will try... probably gotta set many many goals then... haha...

星語心願 - 張柏芝

我要控制我自己
不會讓誰看見我哭泣
裝作漠不關心你 不願想起你
怪自己沒勇氣

心痛得無法呼吸
找不到你留下的痕跡
眼睜睜的看著你 卻無能為力
任你消失在世界的盡頭

找不到堅強的理由
再也感覺不到你的溫柔
告訴我星空在那頭
那裡是否有盡頭

就向流星許個心願
讓你知道我愛你

You Are Share Bear!You are very generous and
Sharing. If you find something you think a
friend would like you always get it for them.
You are a true friend.


Which Carebear Are You???
brought to you by Quizilla

hmmm... i seriously suspect they just base the results on the last question...haha... cos I chose lollypop... haha...

Aud was showing us what she found while she was reading for her psych module... from the book "Death and Dying, Life and Living" by Corr, Nabe and Corr(2000)... something by a person who just discovered he has a terminal disease, if I heard her correctly...

***
Listen
When I ask you to listen to me,
And you start giving me advice,
You have not done what I asked.
When I ask that you listen to me,
And you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
You are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me,
And you feel you have to do something to solve my problems,
You have failed me, strange as that might seem.
Listen! All that I ask is that you listen.
Not talk or do - just hear me.
When you do something for me
That I need to do for myself,
You contribute to my fear and feelings of inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact
That I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,
Then I can quit trying to convince you
And go about the business
Of understanding what's behind my feelings.
So, please listen and just hear me
And if you want to talk,
Wait a minute for your turn - and I'll listen to you.

***
Oh man.
I think I'm UTTERLY guilty.
I have a problem - of needing to feel needed.
And thus when friends tell me their problems, I try to give them advice.
I try to help them do things.
I try to make myself useful.
Because I don't like to feel helpless when I see that my friends are sad.
And somehow that sounds suspiciously like selfish behaviour.
I'm not sure if I've DASHED in, CUT them off while they were still pouring out their woes, so that I, ME, MYSELF can do something about their problems.
Hmm that sounds suspiciously like KPO behaviour.
I'm sorry if I ever made anyone feel like I wasn't listening.

I can see now, why there are counselling tactics, where the counsellors are not to offer advice straight away, but rather after the client has said something, they just rephrase what the client has said - to make sure they have got the right understanding, but also because it makes the train of thought clearly for the client, allowing the client to think through things by themselves.

Something to think about, and something to practise.

HEE... my "mortal" from angel - mortal game FINALLY replied... Hee... gave me Peanut M&Ms too... hiak hiak hiak... I LIKE PEANUT M&Ms...... crunch crunch crunch...

hmmm but letter was bit short. compared to the rather "long" essay of a first letter I wrote to her. which took me quite some time cos I was writing it in a laterally inverted way - is that what they call it? Anyway, you're supposed to look into a mirror to read it. Alternatively if the ink seeps thru you can just turn it over and read it.

So. Still dunno much about my mortal. But never mind. Will write another letter. Hope this time reply is faster and longer. Tho I doubt it - exams drawing near. sigh.

At least there was ONE proper exchange of letters. Haha..

Hee... just received offer of accomodation on campus.

Got Ext Blk A again! Woo Hoo!

Just got back my Personality Psych CA - got a decent grade!!! WOOHOO! the one I rushed out the night it was due! Woo HOO!

Time to turn on the mugger mode.
Got motivation liao!
To hell with my lousy Bio psych test results.

You are guided by light. While all can be bad
around you, you still stay calm and make things
better. There aren't a lot of people in the
world like you. (Rate my test)


What force is your soul?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are guided by light.
Yeah, well. Can't see that well in the dark.

You want a kid? Check this out...

if you've gone to the link above, might think twice about wanting to have kids right?

Yeah, well. It's a kid. Not a soft toy. Not a computer. Not something you can buy, own, and then decide that you made a bad decision in getting it. What the heck, we think for very long before we get something expensive anyway right? We find out the functions of that laptop, compare the prices, decide if you really need it, or really want it. Not to mention a kid.

My personality psych class forum - tutorial mates are discussing this - about women not wanting kids nowadays, about men also not wanting kids nowadays...
guys dun wanna have babies unless they know they can provide for them.
girls dun wanna have babies because the whole world thinks that once she has a baby, the baby's her business.
both dun wanna have babies because Singapore's a pressure cooking country - dun quote me on that, I din say it, they did.
both dun wanna have babies because it's so expensive.
girls and some guys want paternity leave - the baby's half the guy's too - but at the same time they're afraid that being absent from work may affect chances of promotion, bonuses and other opportunities.
some girls want longer maternity leave, but same concern - being away from work for too long might have consequences.

so many problems.

Why have kids? And if you think about it, Is's quite right - many reasons why we have kids (well, at least the reasons I could think of) are really reasons that serve ourselves rather than the kids themselves.
Is asked why I would wanna bring a kid here to this world to suffer - this fucked up world - where accidents take place all the time, killing them anyway, where there's a high chance of the kid becoming a drug addict and so on...

I started saying that the world doesn't just consist of the bad... but the airy-fairy idea of bringing them into this world so they can experience the good in this world was easily shot down by him: if you din bring the kid into this world in the first place, there wouldn't be so much trouble - nothing bad will happen to them - he insists that experiences aren't like bank accounts of credit and debit: it's not like the case where as long as the good experiences outweigh the bad, it'll be okie. NO. Bad experiences - you gotta live with them - like wounds that don't go away(his analogy).

the talk went on for quite a bit. In the end I was quite convinced that I am selfish to want a kid. I mean, the other reasons we talked about were like what, so that it completes marriage life? Yeah, well, that sounds kinda selfish to me now... I'm slightly brainwashed (but I still want a kid! Even if that makes me selfish! Provided I find a guy I can bring a kid up with lah...)

But later he said that if his kid will be able to make a difference (I suppose to this fucked up world?), then yeah, it makes sense to have a kid.

Well, you never know if he/she (the kid) is gonna achieve that, right? Gotta try before you can find out.

was trying to explain to B that when water on our skin evaporates, there's a cooling sensation - which is why we feel cold if we come out of the swimming pool (especially if the wind is blowing - cos wind speeds up evaporation, and evaporation causes this cooling sensation)

Me: You go swimming? (I distinctly recall seeing a picture on the fridge of him, his dad and brother at the pool)
B: No... Dunno how to swim.
Me: (thinking of another example) Hmm... Do you know what happens to the water on your skin if you don't wipe it dry? Like after your shower?
B: Ya... it will evaporate from my skin and form clouds!
Me: (giving him a "Duh" look) Your house got clouds ah? Then got rain or not?
B: No... oh wait, have have!! The clouds hor, when I want to shower then I catch the clouds and swing swing swing then the water droplets will drop down...

***
was marking his science assessment books when I came across this question... rephrased cos I can't remember exact question...

"Singapore obtains some of her water through her reservoirs. Singapore also buys some of her water from her neighbours. Why do you think there is such a need?"

His answer, while incorrect in terms of what science teachers want, offer some food for thought.

"We need to stay friendly with each other neighbouring countries."

***
Another science question - about the Dead Sea between Israel and Jordan being so salty that a person cannot sink in it. The question was about why the water is so salty. I was reading out the question to him before explaining the answer when he interrupted me.

B: Hey, cannot sink ah? I know! next time you want to trick your boyfriend, then you pretend say "I go and die for you to see ah! I jump in ah!" Then you jump in and then after that come up and say "Aiyah, I pretend only lah..." (laughs in self-amusement)

Me: Very funny hor... So what's the answer?!?!

***
Me: So what is the lowest common multiple of 15 and 6?
B: (starts singing) 哈萨雅琪, 哈萨雅琪, 一个小眼睛...
Me: (half-laughing) 是 "一朵小野菊", 不是 "一个小眼睛"...
B: (changes song, and starts singing in a very "gek say" way) 依然记得从你眼中滑落的泪伤心欲绝...

man... spoil one of my fave songs... and of cos he din get the exact words as I typed above.. those were the actual lyrics of 黄昏 by 周传雄... I really couldn't figure out what words he thought were the lyrics...

***

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmm, at first I felt a bit insulted... 16 years old??!! then I went to look at all possible results and realized that the possible ages were: 1, 6, 10, 16, 45.

Thank goodness I'm under the 16 category.

innocent kiss - you're cute and sweet and like it
that way


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Heh, I still prefer the picture SY had on Friendster, the one of a little girl kissing a little boy on a train... damn cute...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, 'I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away'.

The distressed owner wailed, 'Are you sure?' 'Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead,' he replied.

'How can you be so sure', she protested. 'I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something'.

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.' Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '$150!' she cried. '$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!'

The vet shrugged. 'I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up!'

Hmm... i wrote previously in my blog that if I get one-third of my bio test correct I think I must go and buy lottery.

I really got EXACTLY one-third of it correct.

Sheesh.

Dun really feel like buying lottery though.

Hmm.

argh.

lecturer says if you dun score well for CA, you should be glad to know that the finals will be hard, cos then you have a chance... if it's easy, everyone gets 100%, then will have to base marks on CA (which I did badly in).

sounds logical.

May the Bell (curve) be with me. MUAHAHA.

You have a Calm Soul! Being calm and cool is what
you do best. You collected thoughts and always
positive attitude make you very bright and
logical. When theres a problem, you know how to
approach it, and solve it. Your friends rely on
you on their problems, and your shoulder for
their crying. You are peaceful, and enjoy
nature and freedom. You rarely get angry and
hardly scream, which makes you good with kids.
You seem to be in tune with the world and if
anything goes wrong, you always bounce back.


What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

YOU ARE WATER!

Your inner element is one of great compassion and
love. You are an extremely kind-hearted person
who tends to care more about helping others
than themselves at times. You gravitate to
people who need help or just a shoulder to cry
on and you provide them with the support they
need. You harbor an intense compassion for
others that is truly admirable. You are an
incredibly easy-going person who just goes with
the flow and tries to be comfortable no matter
what. You tend to collect things, little
reminders or memories of time gone past. Any
career that will allow you to help others in
any way is ideal for you. Love is a essential
element in your life, and your search for the
one and only for you is paramount to all
things. The one you choose with have to be
loyal, honest, and able to share their emotions
with you.

Your greatest strengths are your ability to bond
with others and help them through the tough
times. Your weaknesses are your tendency to get
overly emotional on things and drive those you
care about away with your emotional outbursts.
Balancing your strengths and weaknesses is
crucial for you to achieve balance in your
life.

Astrologically, Water is associated with the signs
of Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. You are most
compatible for either love or friendship with
another Water Elemental or with an Earth. You
are least compatible with a Fire Elemental.

Which of the 5 Prime Elements are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

hmm.
4am.
still wide awake.
Had Tehcinno.
Went jogging (partly to return keys for meeting room - forgot to drop it in pigeon hole of office just now. And hmm, they do shut off all the lights in the dept at night. Late night that is..was a bit scary walking thru the long corridor in the dark. Just had this feeling that some alarm was gonna go off and some security guard was gonna pop up from nowhere... haha... and i was breathing quite heavily cos I had been jogging, but it just made me feel more nervous too... haha... James-Lange theory of emotion?)
Had nice cold shower.
Just finished doing laundry. Nd, I'm almost about to beat your record of washing till 5am... haha...or was it 6am?

Was telling Aud and SY why I'm fed up with my elang proj. Not just becos of the group - they're getting better and I'm starting to slack to match them, hah. It's becos you're assigned a task - an experiment to do, then instructions tell you to go find literature reviews and past experiments and justify, give a rationale for the experiment that you did.

Hallo?? I din even design the experiment we were told to carry out? If I was interested in this particular topic, the way I design my experiment would have been VERY different. As it is, the experiment we carried out is so basic that I'm having trouble squeezing out a reason why it's worth carrying out in the first place.

But.
Jogging helps. Clears your mind. I've FINALLY seen the light. It's crap, but at least it's good crap. and now I'll be able to start on my introduction to the paper, so my other group members can crap more. MUAHAHA.

411am. Good time to start. Aim: finish within 45 min. Hah.

One more obstacle on the way down. Hah.

omigosh... have to do a sudden tutorial presentation for one of my modules and had to die die find some group to do with, so me and my friend just went over to this relatively small group to ask if we could join...

I was a bit reluctant, cos I spotted this guy in the group - i had taken a similar module with him and was in the same tutorial small discussion group... oh gosh... pure horror... this guy, I have no doubt that he's smart (high IQ), but I seriously his EQ ranges anywhere near.. Anyway that was in my Year 1 Semester 1, which, come to think of it, is really quite some time ago... So... I thought he might have changed a bit...

No.

Email from him. I wanted to laugh, but realized that no joke, I'm stuck in the same group with him again, and he's still irritating like hell... oh man... if anything, he's become worse...

One simple email, he writes like he's writing an essay or an article for a column in some wanna-be-witty newspaper... oh gosh... and I SERIOUSLY suspect that he thinks he's funny... gosh... spare me your sense of humour man...

oh man... oh man... I'm kinda glad this sem's soon coming to an end... tot my other project group was bad - that one's low on competence... this one, is just off to a damn weird start... which I think will become worse... oh gosh...

just doing readings for my animal behaviour project.. the book, "Elephant Memories" by Cynthia Moss, is quite an interesting read... would have read the whole book and not just skimmed through parts relevant to my project, if I had the time...

anyway, came across this part about young elephant calves learning how to use its trunk(the calf is still not very good at utilizing this appendage) to break off food to eat:

"So often I saw a calf twirl and twirl its trunk around a single blade of grass, until finally it broke off, and then invariably it would drop it and have to spend even more time to pick it up. Eventually it would get the blade firmly in its trunk, lift it up, and then, apparently forgetting what the whole purpose was, deposit the grass on the top of its head."
Cynthia Moss, "Elephant Memories", 1988.

So cute.

and I can't help thinking that's what we do too. Was just reading D's blog that day, about how we are all so bogged down by stuff, we forget why we do the things we do, we get discouraged, we get stressed, we get unhappy...

just like the elephant calf that spends so much time twirling one pathetic blade of grass - we do so much, for so little in return...

but if that elephant calf never learns to break off that one pathetic blade of grass, it will never be able to break off one whole tree branch in future.

Don't lose sight of what you're doing, and why you're doing it. All this will be worth it. Just keep that in mind.

Just had a random icq message from some guy with an act-macho nickname asking me "What's the weather like in Singapor?" Yes, he spelled it as Singapor. Hah.

Duh... Do I look like/does my nickname sound anything like I'm a weather girl/weather forecaster??

sheesh... and I've been getting weird messages from people from Egypt thru icq... hah... damn weird...

sigh... another assignment due in hours... when will this shit end?

about 2 or 3 weeks ago my left hand kena splashed by hot oil that spurted out from the saucepan while I was cooking... so I had many many red spots on the back of my hand for a while, then after some days it turned brownish...

I guess that's how I'll look if anyone ever tried to deep fry me... haha...

and that day felt something rough on the skin of my index finger - the small spot was "falling" off...

and now I'm facilitating the falling off... haha.. itchy hand lah, can't wait for the spots to fall off... but it's quite amazing... regeneration of new skin cells... quite fun...

okie, I'm just NOT starting on my assignment... which is why I'm blogging about useless stuff like fried nana skin... damn... argh... okie, gonna start now... like NOW...

went for tuition with B today... he did great for his maths 94/100.. but science dropped to 78/100... his school's quite good... he's Primary 4 this year - think streaming - so they actually have this "report card" that tells you his CA1 actual scores, then next to it is a column where you're supposed to write down your target for his SA1, and next to that is a column for actual SA1 scores, and so on...

setting goals... quite good to inculcate this in kids... tot the idea's quite cool... not sure if they do it only for Pri 4 and maybe Pri 6 students only or for all students...

think I should be setting my own goals soon too... sigh... this sem damn slacker... shits...

oh and R improved for her Maths too! cool... damn happy when they do well... haha... small happinesses mah... makes my day...

My bro just bought this Digi Cabi for his precious cameras... it's supposed to keep the moisture out of the cameras.. Damn cool can? you put the cameras inside and it keeps the humidity level at where you want it...

it looks like a safe, but has a glass door... gotta plug it into power socket to keep it on at all times... but so cool... haha... was quite amused by it...

my mum was asking him why he bought a safe home... then when she was telling my dad about it, she said wrongly and told him that it's a washing machine... haha...

started that day when we were at SWAPS table.. listening to a song on YZ's iBook when she was telling us about this other song that's very very nice... Forgot what song liao...

So YZ was telling us the story(it has been rephrased and probably altered by cynical me):
boy meets girl.
they smile and at that moment they know they're meant to be together.
at this point I couldn't help but say, "ARH, BULLSHIT!"
I don't believe in love at first sight, and this is crap lah.. they smile and they know??!! duh...

anyway.. the story continues:
they get married.
and... VOILA! They have twins!
at this point I couldn't tahan again and blurted out, "ARH, BULLSHIT!"
I mean, what's the probability of 2 people - who fall in love the first time they see each other AND get married - getting twins? It's like SOOOOO unreal and fairytale can...

Anyway Nd said I was super disillusioned...

Wait till he talks to Is... Wah piangz...

was talking to him and June today evening as I was eating dinner...

He's like the most cynical person I've ever talked to... If he would say my line of "Arh, BULLSHIT!", I think he would say it everytime I opened my mouth... cos beside him, I'm like the most optimistic and naive person on earth... haha...but interesting issues... I shall blog another day when I dun have a paper due like the next day...

sigh... off to my developmental psych essay... sigh...

took a break for a while to relac a bit... rewarding myself for finally attacking all 23 pages for the overseas study paper I'm comparing for my devt psych paper... hee... okie fine, excuse to slack, not reason... like I care... muahaha....

anyway went to Friendster, saw my friend's message on Bulletin board, a survey to find out how picky you are... and in his forwarded message for that bulletin everyone wrote their name and their "pickiness percentage", he actually wrote:
"22% (not picky enough... haha can sing "am i not picky enough?" to the tune of "am i not pretty enough?")"

haha... damn funny... made me laugh for a while... anyway... for me...

Nana's score: 14%
Not picky enough!

Your relaxed attitude to meeting people might make you lots of friends, but if you're not fussy at all you could end up with someone who doesn't truly interest you in the long run, or even treats you like a doormat.

Nana says: Arh, BULLSHIT! I ain't gonna be no doormat!

How picky are you?

Riding on E's happiness din get me too far today... sigh...

If only I could do my project alone, I think I would have more fun and less white hair. The thing about doing with other people is that sometimes it can get soooooooo irritating... I tot I'd have fun... just look four entries before...

But of cos thru projects found some people I really admire for their working attitude - super professional, just to name 2: Adnan and Angeline... wonderful folks... smart, know what they doing, and when they not sure or dunno, not afraid to say out and try to clarify... fast to respond... oh man... I know speed's not everything, but right now, the lack of it in my current project group - it's killing me... argh... how to work efficiently when people only respond to the CRUCIAL issues like what, four days later? I've other deadlines also you know, and I spend my freaking time trying to work out all the possible issues we might face, what more could I do?

feeling the time pressure again... argh...

yes, I know... breathe in breathe out... argh... just need to complain... sigh...

Heh.
Just feel that I'd be happy for the rest of today at least.
Cos just found out that E started dating this guy from her school!!!
Hee...

Hey girl, you deserve the best! Enjoy what you call your little happiness... Wish you and K all da BEST! ;)

so many problems.
so little time.
so many sensitive areas.
so few nice ways to go about it.
so much frustration.
so limited ability.

letting out a silent scream.....

Doing E Lang Psycholinguistics Project now...

Psycholinguistics quite reminds me of Cognitive Psych, but of course full emphasis is on language...
we're supposed to do a project - approach people to help us do experiment... word task... did a "pilot test" with SY, Gaozi and Nd... Don't tell the rest k? Need to find more participants.. hee...

quite fun... in a "sea" of E Lang majors, I suddenly feel like I have an edge cos I know a wee bit more about conducting experiments... counterbalancing and all that... starting to feel fun... haha...

dunno why it doesn't feel so fun when we're doing experiment during stats lesson leh... maybe because your group mates all know what to do also, and your participants are VERY clear about what you're trying to do also...

for this e lang project my group mates (well 2 of them... one other group mate is a fellow psych major hee..) seem to trust us (the 2 psych majors) to settle and tell them the technical aspects of doing expt...

woo hoo... I'm starting to like my modules again!! haha...

had Animal Behaviour project meeting on yesterday - Aud was surfing the net for videos of elephants... chanced upon this website that showed how the elephants were abused, in order to train them to perform in the circus. The trainers use something called "angkus" (a sharp, short metal hook thing) to inflict pain on the elephants in order to make them learn tricks and perform for the audience.

was just thinking about how, when I was young, I probably thought that the elephants and other circus animals enjoyed performing in the circus because they were so gaily doing those clever tricks, because they were dressed up so nicely, because people were cheering as they watched them perform. But on this video, you could hear the elephants' cries of pain when the trainers used the angkus on them.

and was thinking about that day, our trip to the zoo, how we commented that the elephants seemed to be smiling - it was more because of the way their mouths are shaped, rather than because they were really smiling... To think that they are smiling seems to lead to the thinking that they are really happy where they are (in this case, they're in the zoo)... but are they really happy? True, they don't have to worry about food and predators, so they probably live longer... but the volunteers at the zoo (who help by educating public about elephants) told us that the main cause of death for elephants in captivity is BOREDOM. And I can see why... they spend the whole day just performing the same rehearsed animal show, and when they're not performing they're just splashing water over themselves or splashing sand and mud over their bodies to trap ticks and fleas...

A poem below by Larkin... about horses... highlighted in bold this line about how we suppose they "gallop for what must be joy"... we assume they're happy when we see them gallop - there's something about that action that makes it seem happy, carefree... but it may just be a normal action to them - they may gallop even when they're not feeling great... and same for all other animals... so were the elephants still smiling?

At Grass
by Philip Larkin

The eye can hardly pick them out
From the cold shade they shelter in,
Till wind distresses tail and mane;
Then one crops grass, and moves about
- The other seeming to look on -
And stands anonymous again

Yet fifteen years ago, perhaps
Two dozen distances sufficed
To fable them : faint afternoons
Of Cups and Stakes and Handicaps,
Whereby their names were artificed
To inlay faded, classic Junes -

Silks at the start : against the sky
Numbers and parasols : outside,
Squadrons of empty cars, and heat,
And littered grass : then the long cry
Hanging unhushed till it subside
To stop-press columns on the street.

Do memories plague their ears like flies?
They shake their heads. Dusk brims the shadows.
Summer by summer all stole away,
The starting-gates, the crowd and cries -
All but the unmolesting meadows.
Almanacked, their names live; they

Have slipped their names, and stand at ease,
Or gallop for what must be joy,
And not a fieldglass sees them home,
Or curious stop-watch prophesies :
Only the grooms, and the groom's boy,
With bridles in the evening come.

Just have to record this somewhere... so easy to forget when I last laughed madly these days...

SY saying "Thanks!" very earnestly and automatically when I handed her rubbish to throw... a natural garbage collector auntie...

YZ smiling to herself blissfully as she stroked her baby - opps, her iBook... looked a bit like those psycho mums stroking their babies, but well, she was actually just enjoying her music that she was listening to through earphones...

wanting to write 笨猪 for the "Name" section of the RBR loan slip that ZS was gonna take... and Nd asking in a very serious and solemn tone "Why is he called 笨猪?"

ah... just finished developmental quiz... so taking a breather now... before embarking on essays, projects and presentations... argh...

well... after the test walked to canteen with PL, actually wanted to get food - stomach was GROWLING SUPER LOUDLY during test - I'm sure Db and anyone in the surrounding radius of 5 metres could hear me...haha.. then I realized I had about 20 cents on me... haha... so PL bought a drink and we walked back... she went to usp to print something and I started walking back to hall...

Walked past this girl who wears her sweater the way I do - the lazy person's way of "wearing" a sweater - means you just put your hands through the sleeves, but don't poke your head out through the top... essentially you're just keeping your arms warm... This leaves the bulk of the sweater in front of you, with your arms like 2 sticks holding the jacket in place...

I wanted to laugh... not at the girl - cos I wear the sweater the same way - but just for that moment I realize why people tell me the way I wear or sling my jackets and sweaters on me is WEIRD.

This way of wearing my sweater makes it look very much like a straitjacket.

I must be exercising self-restraint. haha... I'm one bloody mad student who's self-aware huh?

Remembered that I wanted to write about Bio Psych tutorial last Friday... Tutor/Lecturer actually bought popcorn to pass round the class while we were watching the 3 videos... haha... quite amusing... quite sweet of him... but it's quite weird to eat popcorn when you're watching "documentary-style" type of show...

we were shown 3 videos -
one about how L-Dopa and fetal tissue helped to reverse some Parkinson's symptoms shown by some young people as a result of them consuming poorly made "designer" drug...
second one was by the Movement Disorder Society... showing how an electrical "implant" in the brain of a man with Huntington's Chorea can help him control his movements - otherwise he'll be twitching badly, arms sometimes swinging out uncontrollably...
third video was a short part of "Awakenings" - actors include Robin Williams and Robert de Niro...

The second video was a bit disturbing for me... at first it was okie... they showed how the patient with Huntington's Chorea normally moves - rather uncontrollable movements, can't even hold a glass properly to drink from it without spilling most of the water - his hands will jerk violently even while he's trying hard to put it near his mouth... then they showed him after they turned on the device in his head to stimulate some receptor - he could walk almost normally, he could lift the glass and drink from it, he could touch his nose alternately with the index fingers of his left and right hand...

Then they turned one side of the device off - it's connected to both hemispheres, so when you turn the left side off, his right side goes back to twitching and wild swinging... and vice versa... and so he started showing the signs again on one side... then they turned that side on, and turned off the other side... and now the signs showed in the other side...

This kept on going for a while... It was to illustrate that it was really the device working to keep his movements normal and under control...

But it was disturbing to watch... at first when they turned on both sides I was quite amazed... then when they kept switching one side on the other side off and so on, I felt very disturbed... there was a look on the patient's face - I don't quite know how to describe it... but it's evident that he knows what is going on - he knows they're turning the device on and off in his head, he knows that without the device turned on in either side, one side will face a lot of difficulty in doing even the simple task of drinking from a cup...

There was that "sigh, I'll just try" look on his face... and when he spills half of the water using the hand unaided by the device, it's almost as if he gives a small shrug and puts the cup down, then lifts it up properly with the other hand...

To know that someone can control your ability to move properly... yet he tries to do the task with all his effort - he doesn't just slack on the task because he knows without the device he can't accomplish it - he tries very very hard to drink properly from the cup... and when he can't complete the task, the look on his face says "Well, I tried..."

I felt disturbed - partly because it seems to be taking away a person's dignity to ask him to repeatedly do this task and keep on switching the bloody device on and off... yes, I know it's to illustrate the point that the device works, but how many times do you have to do it? It got to a point I was like "YES I KNOW IT BLOODY WORKS! Can you please turn the device back on so the man can go off and live his life??!!"

But there was something encouraging about how the man kept on trying and trying...

I told a couple of my friends I have a feeling I'll die young... SM asked if I'm afraid of growing old - cos some people are afraid to imagine themselves with all the ailments of old people, and so they think (or maybe hope) they'll die young... I don't know... It must be quite frightful to lose control over your own movements and body, isn't it? To allow a machine or a drug to help you control your body...

the first video - showing young people trapped in "frozen" bodies... it was horrible too... to know that behind that frozen body is a normal mind that can imagine all the movements and action they want to make, but it just doesn't translate into action... A normal mind trapped in that body for a long time will not stay normal for very long... and when they took the drug L-Dopa for prolonged periods of time, it either gave them hallucinations or they moved too much - they couldn't control their actions and moved excessively...

and someone in that video said - such existence is meaningless...

so disturbing...