in thoughts...

woah... had a minor headache just now... but what was bad was the thing that everything seemed so so bright it was painful to look... dunno what happened but went to sleep and now I'm okie...

Gee Db, sounds familiar? =(

happened once in JC2.. was having an Econs lecture after PE... and at first there was just this pain on one side of my head... gradually the thing about everything becoming very bright started... and it was as if I couldn't see properly... If one eye saw something the other eye kinda blurred the image... damn scary... so went to sick bay to sleep for couple of hours and was okie after that...

went to meet V and P just now for lunch...did some catching up... V went for this 23 day trip to a village in Chiang Mai Thailand to do some stuff with pipes for them... So she was telling us about the experience...

And somehow she's different... Happier... at least for now... Seeing a bit more of the world has changed her a little... working with the other people in her group has changed her a little...

and the little bits of change add up... and she's somewhat different... a "new" her...

thought about the time I went Thailand to do volunteer work too... Seeing how different the lives of people there are... the different pace, the different priorities, the different sources of happiness... Seeing how different we were from them, and yet feeling like we're the same in a funny sort of way...

V was saying her group had designed some very very simple games for the village children... and they had such fun playing, games that Singaporean children will find uninteresting and boring... and seeing how happy they were, it just touches something inside of you...

I remember when we were handing old clothes and old toys to the Thai kids, they gave you that look of gratitude and happiness... will never forget... that kind of happiness is just contagious... it feels as if a very small effort met with unexpected great appreciation... it makes you feel like there are so many things in this world that matter.... so many things that REALLY matter...

and 3 years later back here in Singapore, I must remind myself to attend to those things that REALLY matter...

And therefore... the first picture I upload shall be that of *drumroll*
Orlando Bloom - as Legolas in Lord of the Rings... Haha... Enjoy!

.

that was last night till this morning... hee... reached home at 8am this morning and slept till 130pm... feeling very energized now... haha..

Hmmm... perhaps shall start on my mentality before the hike... was a bit tired, and honestly after a gathering a few days ago I am very very seriously reminded of how anti-social I am, then got a couple of people I can talk comfortably to, not coming for hike... so on the bus was wondering if during hike will get replay of that... I know gardenia going, but I was just telling Al that I'm growing more and more dependent on her, which is not good... cos that's hiding back into my comfort zone and not trying to get to know other people...

So at the start I did try to talk to this guy who came on his own - a SWAPS member who signed up for hike when he saw the publicity... but didn't really keep up with it... talked to LnYn for a while but for most of the hike was with gardenia in the end... Ended up playing song charades with her and JM most of the night, then trying to remember songs and sing them with Gardenia... was quite fun trying to sing "Stand By Me" with her and Gene... cos 2 of us doing the "percussion" sounds and clapping while Gene was supposed to sing, but he kept missing the entry... then we were singing with Gaozi and both me and Gardenia had to adjust our key... haha... and all the funny TV ad songs for kids' products...

then Gardenia and me went to sit with JM in his car, cos haha scared he fall asleep then drive quite bad lah...so talk talk talk in the car...

beautiful skies this morning.... ;) really really nice...

I cried quite a bit watching the movie.

I cried when the Rohan soldiers formed the line to fight Sauron's forces, especially when I saw Eowyn on the frontline. And Merry sitting in front of her. And I thought about Eowyn saying to her brother the night before that, "Why can't we let him (Merry) fight for the ones he loves?" (something along that line... it shows what she's thinking too... ) Looking at the Rohan soldiers, you think: they just fought one big battle at Helm's Deep, now they have to fight again. They could have chosen to stay at home and rest, recuperate, be contented till Sauron launched another attack on them, but here they are, fighting for Gondor's survival. It's easy to think of it as someone else's war, but still they fought for them. Reading war stories last time, they say in war, when you're fighting, you don't think of the innocent civilians back in your town, you just think about your buddy on your left, and the buddy on your right. But in this case, for the Rohan soldiers, they really need to see that they're fighting to uphold an old agreement...

I cried when Gandalf was trying to give the soldiers morale and keep up their sense of duty - "You're soldiers of Gondor... you must stand your ground, no matter what comes through the gate..." (something like that, I'm not good at remembering exact words) And the bloody gate opens and these giant creatures come in... how can men, about a quarter of their size, inflict enough pain to kill them? and all through the fighting, I thought about Sam's speech in The Two Towers, when he and Frodo were caught by Faramir, held in Gondor... he said "how can you expect the world to go back to the way it was, after it has seen so much death..."

I cried when Eowyn was fighting the Witch King... protecting King Theoden... laughed at how she says "I am no man..." to the stupid faceless Witch King... smiled when Theoden said "I know your face" for the second time when he "wakes"...

I was very proud of Pippin - when he jumped into the fire to save Faramir... He only knew the guy for a day... can you beat that? He just makes us laugh, but there is that potential in him..

I cried when Sam held Frodo, and cried, saying "Don't go where I can't follow..."

I smiled when Merry said to Pippin, "I knew you'd find me..." when Pippin found him...

I cried when Sam said to Frodo, "I can't carry the burden of the ring for you, but I can carry you!" and he did... He just swung Frodo over his shoulder and inched up the mountain...

Cheers to friendship and courage and hope!

Will publish it a while later... dun wanna spoil the movie for those who haven't watched... ;) MUST WATCH! damn good...

The lousy server is busy... takes me half an hour to load one stupid page that doesn't register whatever action I took half an hour ago... HOW TO BID LIKE THAT?!

now I can't even login again... And from time to time the main website for CORS comes up with announcements saying that the website is not available from this time to that time...

Christmas Eve spent like this? hmm.. stupid idea... but going for the christmas party later...hope it'll be great... haven't gotten the present yet... argh... dunno what to get...

Was re-reading a friend's blog... saw this part about identity... Trying to find oneself... And how the friends we make, the family we have, the things we do, the clubs we join, ARE the very things that define us and who we are for now, as if we dun have an identity of our own...

And that made me think about something else... When I was writing my entry for Loading.... Loading... 100% Matrix Reloaded.... on 13 Nov 2003, D made a comment about choosing to live on even after losing loved ones, because we can still find other meanings in life, though life will indeed be less meaningful without them...

And I did think about this a looooong time ago.. I felt that my family, especially my Mom, is so important to me that if I lost them, I might not know how to live on... They are part of the purpose I live on, they are part of my identity... Not exaggerating to say that they're the crux of my existence...

I did comment on a friend's blog once, that we don't just live for ourselves, sometimes we live for the other people in our lives... thinking about my own comment, it seems flawed... because that means if I don't have people I want to live for, I'll just go and die or something...

And then I thought of the talk I attended couple of months back - organized by BS... Sb told me about it and I went... The Venerable talked about practicing love without attachment... it's love with attachment that results in hurt and even (in extreme cases) crimes of passion...another lady talked about having self-love before we love others...

Very deep concepts... very hard to explain - it's hard to grasp in the first place... I'm not sure I got the same interpretation as what the Venerable was trying to say... but a combination of what I learned from that talk is that - love doesn't mean possession, we don't own others, others don't own us, so when you lose them (through separation or death), we shouldn't be so utterly destroyed that there's no turning back... but to do that, we have to realize that to practise this love without attachment we first have to love ourselves enough...

and to be able to love myself, I have to find out who I am (so that I can find what's lovable about myself)... and that's difficult...

It rained.

And rained.

Then rained some more.

It was the type of day I'd have loved lying in bed with a nice book. But no.

got caught in the rain when going for tuition with B. Got caught in the rain when returning from tuition with B. Mom was very puzzled why I was still going for night hike when everywhere is wet with rain. Said we were quite mad. She saw me wearing shorts and really thought I was quite insane. Cold night out and I'm wearing shorts. Hmm, okay lah, got a bit cold for a while but for most of the time it was okay.

In the end we met at Bedok, went to Macs to discuss more concrete plans... think hmm, not a lot of stuff was really settled or followed up after the main com meeting...but can't send out minutes yet cos not approved yet.. hmm...after that went Fullerton with D n Gardenia... At first a bit paiseh to go in, cos we were decked in shorts and t-shirts... but we managed to find a secluded area... talked and talked and talked, with some silence in between when we strayed off topics... haha... we're great at digressing... stayed till 4+am till some manager came over and said they needed to clean the area...we went to have some food at Golden Cafe... food's ok, not too bad... though my ee mee not the type of ee mee i'm used to eating... then we walked to Dhoby...

Didn't think I'd last the night cos I was up since 8am trying to settle some modules stuff. And I really really like to sleep, and really really really need to sleep. But amazingly I didn't even doze off... though at certain times it felt so conducive to sleep - especially when we were sitting in front of Dhoby Ghaut MRT waiting for it to open and Gardenia was singing, and sometimes D was singing... haha... no they weren't singing lullaby but still... haha...

something very great about walking long distances... I remember that time working at RIL before uni, there was one Saturday when after my work (half day), I walked and walked and walked and walked... 11am till about 5pm... without stopping... it was quite fun... looking at things, looking at the sky, thinking about stuff, no rush, no hurry...

that day after dinner at 85 with Gardenia, HY, ZS & STk, walked home... looking at the reservoir at night... very peaceful feeling.. the nice cool air...

then yesterday... a different feeling when walking with others... but still a nice feeling...

nope... wasn't a failed night hike trial for me at least...;)

I LURVE Calvin & Hobbes comics... very cute but so many issues in that small space... about life, about religion, about life direction and purpose, about social trends, about so many things...

Yesterday I was giving tuition to B, my pri 3 going on pri 4 kid... I hope topping the class has not gone to his head... He couldn't concentrate yesterday again... took ONE BLOODY HOUR to let him solve 3 problem sums (he did largely on his own - but he kept drifting off...) and then I took like 4 different approaches to try to guide him through ONE STUPID PROBLEM SUM... WAH!!!!!!!! was damn brain dead by then....

let me recap what he does during tuition... to those who haven't heard me complain before... for a concise summary, see 10 Ways To Irritate Joanna, 21 October 2003... Well, yesterday was one of those days... low concentration span.. kept fiddling with this small little fluff ball he found somewhere - putting on his hair, putting between his lips and blowing it out to see how far it'll go, after blowing it out will look for it... and the whole cycle repeats itself... sometimes when I'm explaining something to him, he'll write on the rough paper - "B (his name) the Superman!"

After 5+ months we have gotten used to each other I suppose.. From time to time when he's not listening to me, he'll suddenly burst into a story he wants to tell me... like how his friend tried to kick the soccer ball but fell down... or how in his friend was bathing in the cubicle in childcare and this other friend broke the door in... and some stories are quite amusing...

Yesterday we were learning about the different states of matter - solid, liquid & gas... he suddenly said, "You know sometimes I just sit there and it feels like I'm drifting somewhere and I hope that the next moment I'll become a gas and disappear? But dun have leh, the next moment I'm still B, still sitting there..."

I dunno... that sounded mildly philosophical to me... But remember he's just 9+ years old.. so for him that's damn philosophical... But of cos he doesn't realize that it's philosophical..I din think about stuff like that when I was that age... I just read Enid Blyton and played with Barbie dolls... damn...

And I suddenly thought: he's like Calvin of the comics... always in his own thoughts about how he's Superman and he's gonna rescue B (himself) from tuition... always playing with his little figurines and imagining those violent scenes of fighting between them... always thinking up of various stupid excuses he can give to escape doing his work (but
amazingly he does almost every piece of work I assign - he'll complain but he does the work) and then this sudden philosophical insight... Calvin has that too...but no, B doesn't have a Tiger friend... probably cos he got this younger brother...

I've always remember this line from Phil Collins' song for Tarzan soundtrack, "You'll Be In My Heart"

In learning you will teach
And in teaching you will learn

He really amazes me sometimes...

oh and he sang this other song to me before... i found it quite stupidly funny... it uses the same the same tune for all four lines...

美国有个 Superman (There's this Superman in America)
底裤总是穿外面 (Underwear always wear outside)
没事做就飞上天 (Nothing to do then fly to the sky)
飞上天空乱小便 (Fly up to the sky anyhow piss)

Yup... yesterday got quite a bit of "Superman's" pee... rained throughout the night also... ;)

heh, think my brother's finding me a pest during hols cos I always choose to use the Internet till late at night... which means I'll plonk myself down with my laptop on the sofa near my living room phone line (yes, still using dialup lah...), and cos my brother sleeps in the living room, at around 12 he'll start trying to chase me off... heh, just realized that I do that to my sister too..cos we share the room, and when I've got school the next day I'll chase her out, cos she always has the TV on when I want to sleep... haha.. oh well...

Anyway, when my bro couldn't chase me off to sleep on Tue he started watching the "behind-the-scenes" interviews for The Two Towers that came with the DVD he bought... and eventually I went offline and started to watch it together with him.. then my sister came over and we just watched it together.. realized that we haven't done this for a loooooong time... so my bro set up his mattress, we turned off the lights, and me and my sis just made ourselves comfortable on the sofa... in the end we watched till it was 1am plus, though my brother wanted to sleep earlier than that... haha...

Opps, I wanted to talk about inspiring personalities.. hmm, ok, here goes:

The LOTR movies are definitely in my list of favourite movies... because of the storyline, because of the acting, because of the music (I'm very determined to get the soundtracks, but I'm thinking they might just offer some 3-part soundtrack after The Return of the King, so I shall be patient and wait... haha) But it's truly inspiring how the crew works... and Viggo Mortensen has gained my utmost respect after I watched the interviews - for both Fellowship and 2 Towers... Let me just mention a few incidents that shows his inspiring personality...

Because shooting the trilogy is such a marathon and a drain on people's energy, it's very important to keep the morale of the people up... everyone matters - the actors, the producers, the editors, the camera men, the sounds people & the stuntsmen... so there was one time when he and a couple of others just thought of having a small "relax" session, looking at the sunrise and fishing and stuff like that, so he asked if the others mind if he asked the rest of the crew to come along.. So he asked, and by sheer power of personality, almost everyone turned up, and they had a small "party" that night... That was in the midst of a very tiring filming schedule... Think they were shooting the Helms Deep scenes, almost 3 months of night shooting, where they had to "fight" every night, running through muddy water, "killing" one another... about 100 stuntsmen, but they had to stand up and fight again after they "died" cos have to recycle, have to act as another Uruk-hai.. haha... so this was Viggo's way of keeping the morale up... and after watching that beautiful sunrise they had to start another day of work which meant that their day ended with another fighting session at Helms Deep... but still everyone willingly sacrificed sleep for a bit of fun and bonding...

All the stunts people admire and respect Viggo a lot, cos he really puts in 101% effort when he does his fighting scenes... and when shooting Helms Deep, he got hit across his face and this really big chunk of his front tooth fell out, but he was just like "Get me some superglue and we'll continue shooting!" haha... crazy guy.. but the director and others were quite freaked out and sent him to the dentist immediately... and Viggo's comment during the interview was that many stunts people get hurt worse, but they just continue, and it's only because he's an actor that they take more care and attention... The stunts people all commented that when they fought against Viggo, they felt as if they were really fighting - no acting there...You can see the respect the stunts people have for Viggo - it shows when they're interviewed to talk about Viggo; just look at their eyes and expression and what they have to say about him... and Viggo started this thing about banging heads with them - it was actually like a "fighting" move, but they just do it out of affection now, but Viggo likes to knock his head real hard with them.. and he's quite mischievous; insinuated this stuntsman to go bang his head against Orlando when he really didn't expect it... ;) He's like a kid, but he's so professional about his work...

and there's this scene when Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli arrive at the field to find only burnt corpses of Uruk-hai and a few Orcs, and they thought Merry and Pippin were dead, so Aragorn kicks this helmet across and seems so much in anguish that he goes on his knees... actually Peter Jackson wanted him to kick the helmet far across the scene and try to aim over the camera... they took 4 shots and each time Viggo kicked further and further, closer and closer to the camera, so Peter Jackson thought he'd give Viggo another try and did a fifth shot, which is this one that's used in the actual movie - but this time Viggo didn't kick very far and added this part about going on his knees, really showing the grief and anguish... Peter Jackson thought it was a really good shot... after that they realized that for the fifth kick, Viggo broke 2 of his toes... but he changed that pain he felt to reflect the grief he's supposed to feel for the Hobbits... cool...

And for the various running scenes near the start of 2 Towers, where we see Gimli, Legolas and Aragorn running across large stretches of plains, hilly bits and all that - it was very inspiring to know that all 3 guys were shooting the running bits when they were wounded... Viggo with his 2 broken toes, Orlando who had broken his rib, and the standin for Gimli (cos needed to shoot a small little dwarf guy running behind Legolas & Aragorn, can't use the real Gimli) had a dislocated knee... but if they didn't mention it, looking at the way they ran, I could never tell... the level of professionalism... I salute them...

And Peter Jackson... through the interviews, they showed him working with all the different crew... and he never looked stressed... the crew said he never lost his temper... imagine that... working with so many people, juggling so many things, having to deliver such a big project, BUT NEVER NEVER losing the passion nor the vision of wanting to do a good movie and do justice to the book... it's amazing...

Though I hate it when movie makers do terrible things to the classics, somehow I think I might be more lenient regarding this trilogy, even if they do huge changes to the book... Haven't read the book yet.. only read a bit of part 2... but seeing their passion, I think can forgive also lah... ;)

Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)

Just saw this... quite funny... MUAHAHAHAHA...

damn... I did mention I'm quite braindead right? tickled by one-liners...

damn... wanted to do X'mas cards for people... but till now haven't thought of design, haven't start production... sigh... factory this year break down... sorry peepz if no christmas card this year lah... feeling very lazy...takes me very long to do them and looking at it, I've only 10 days... haha... i mean you all are used to getting late x'mas cards from me already right? hehe... so I'm not even counting the posting timing... haha...

maybe I should still do it... I feel happy when I'm brainlessly mass producing x'mas cards... haha... I'm cut out to be a factory worker, one of those working on one part of the conveyor belt thingy...

argh... feeling lack of stimulation... no brain food... blog, everybody blog! so i can feed off someone else's ideas and start having my own... haha... parasite...

Read this a long time ago, just saw it on a friend's bulletin board on Friendster... was quite amused when I read it... Just for fun lah...

***

A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it for the first time, virtues and vices floated around and were bored, not knowing what to do.

One day, all the vices and virtues were gathered together and were more bored than ever. Suddenly, Ingenious came up with an idea: Let's play hide and seek!

All of them liked the idea and immediately Madness shouted: I want to count, I want to count! And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek Madness, all the others agreed. Madness leaned against a tree and started to count: One, two, three...

As Madness counted, the vices and virtues went hiding. Tenderness hung itself on the horn of the moon, Reason hid in a pile of garbage. Fondness curled up between the clouds and Passion went to the center of the earth. Lie said that it would hide under a stone, but hid at the bottom of the lake, whilst Avarice entered a sack that he ended up breaking. And Madness continued to count: ... seventy nine, eighty, eighty one...

By this time, all the vices and virtues were already hidden - except Love. For undecided as Love is, he could not decide where to hide. And this should not surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is to hide Love.

Madness: ...ninety five, ninety six, ninety seven... Just when Madness got to one hundred, Love jumped into a rose bush where he hid.

And Madness turned around and shouted: I'm coming, I'm coming!

As Madness turned around, Laziness was the first to be found, because Laziness had no energy to hide. Then he spotted Tenderness in the horn of the moon, Lie at the bottom of the lake and Passion at the center of the earth. One by one, Madness found them all - except Love.

Madness was getting desperate, unable to find Love. Envious of Love, Envy whispered to Madness: You only need to find Love, and Love is hiding in the rose bush.

Madness grabbed a wooden pitch fork and stabbed wildly at the rose bush. Madness stabbed and stabbed until a heartbreaking cry made him stop. Love appeared from the rose bush, covering his face with his hands. Between his fingers ran two trickles of blood from his eyes.

Madness, so anxious to find Love, had stabbed out Love's eyes with a pitch fork. What have I done! What have I done! Madness shouted. I have left you blind! How can I repair it?

And Love answered: You cannot repair my eyes. But if you want to do something for me, you can be my guide.

And so it came about that from that day on, Love is blind and is always accompanied by Madness.

...There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving...there are some love that don't go away...but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever...

***

Hmm, dunno lah... sometimes what you think you want may not be what you really want... dunno what I saying also... sigh...

Again... it was during that talk after meeting... B was sharing with us how that time he was feeling down, and started questioning whether there really is someone up there... and then he heard this voice, as if the Someone was speaking to him...He "challenged" the Someone to show him a couple of signs, and he did see some signs...

I remember during Matriculation Fair, Ting went with me for Arts Matric Fair, and we went to Bean Factory for the free smoothie thingy, in the end it was some Christian group (can't remember which one) trying to spread God's word... I remember telling the girl, I'm waiting to hear the Voice... and I'll believe... I think she said something like, maybe God sent her as the voice instead... think we were kidding around also, saying it's quite dangerous if I really hear voices in my head... ;)

It's been one and a half years (omigosh... time flies...) Has anything changed? I'm convinced that Someone is there... but I still dunno if I'll ever really go into a religion... I'm convinced that even if the Someone has mapped out my life, my destiny, I'll still put in 100% effort to try to live my best... And for things I cannot handle, I should trust that Someone to take care of it for me...

Why did I want to hear the Voice? Because I want to feel as if I mattered to the Someone, such that the Someone needs to send me a personal message, so that I know that this Someone knows I exist... Well of cos if the Someone created me, the Someone WILL know I exist, but perhaps I just want to know I'm remembered... Was it because coming to university made me feel anonymous, small in a whole mass of people? Was my personal identity being challenged? I think so... because one and a half years later, it doesn't seem so important anymore whether I hear the Voice or not... because my life has been fine, I suppose it's the Someone's way of showing that I'm cared for...

Perhaps when I'm really really down in the dumps, then I'll really need to hear the Voice...

It was weird... that day went for SWAPS main com meeting, during meeting we mentioned something about funerals, but as a joke lah... the safety vehicle as the car that holds the coffin (forgot what that's called... sorry)... then during the MRT trip back we, or rather Gardenia was talking about how she wanted her tombstone to be like... still got her "head" popping out to pronounce her name properly one... haha... I did think about this... when I die I wanna get cremated and actually I would want my ashes thrown over the sea, but that seems like water pollution... haha...never mind...

Then that day after Thu meeting, the few of us sat down and talked about death again... haha... we were thinking about holding "living" funerals - holding funerals while we're still alive, if let's say we know when we are gonna die... so that we know what people have to say to us... rather than lying there dead, and people coming round to say stuff that you probably won't get to hear anyway... and Gardenia was saying she thought about faking death, then seeing who will come for her funeral, and what they'll say... interesting thought, but i think if it gets known that I faked my death, I'll hurt those closest to me and piss off those not so close to me, so in the end my real funeral no one will come... haha...

Then we talked about the best way to die... came to an agreement that it'll be carbon monoxide... though I envied my maternal great grandma for going away peacefully in her sleep after what seems like a very satisfying life... reminded me of how in Upper secondary we had to discuss controversial issues for English composition, and I'd openly support Euthanasia... Mrs A will be very amused... she always said I was a "banana" - yah yah, laugh lah... she meant on the outside I look Asian but my thinking very Western... dunno lah... I know sometimes allowing euthanasia may mean that people will try to abuse the system... but I really don't look forward to lying on the bed, relying on a bloody machine to sustain my life... but Mrs A asked me, what if it's your loved ones in that situation... and I told her I'll keep them on life support as long as there's hope for them to recover... that was in Sec 3 or 4... I'm not sure if my stand is still the same... I suppose if my mom told me she'll prefer that I let her go, rather than sustain her life by a machine, I'll let her...

we talked about the game in Absolut when we were supposed to write 10 things about ourselves... and SM was saying that what we write will be totally different if we only had 2 more months to live... I wonder what I'll write about myself if I only had 2 more months to live... It'll be very different... as I was telling them, when we write the 10 things now, we can still write about things we wish to become in future, but with only 2 months, you'll be trying to sum up your life... what you've been... and what can I say about myself and who I've been? It's not easy... suddenly every item carries such weight... should I have one item saying I'm a good daughter? Have I been one? One item saying I'm optimistic? Was I?

Some things to think about... ;)

this was one of the things we talked about that day after meeting... just casually asking one another how many kids we'd want if we could choose and decide... SM was saying last time he wanted kids but now he's not so sure, cos he feels he doesn't know how to educate them... He brought up this point - in bringing up our kids, we impose our own moral values on them, is it right to do that?

Before this I've thought a bit about parenting, but I was thinking more about how I can bring them up properly, how to prevent them from becoming teen gangsters or something... I've never considered this question of whether it's right or wrong to impose my own set of values on them...

Looking at how my parents brought me up, it's rather amazing how they did it... they're both not very well-educated, only had primary school education at most... Never consulted any parenting guides haha... but I'm fine... I'm okay... I'm not taking drugs, I'm not dropping out of school, I'm not very disillusioned with life, I'm not suicidal, I don't shoplift... Did my parents sit me down and read out some moral commandments? No. Did they stop me and lecture me at every turning point of my growing up life? No. Seems they din do very much huh?

I dunno how they did it. But I'm normal, well-adjusted, happy and I suppose I've everything I need... So what did they do? Somethings they did spell out straight: Don't steal, don't shoplift, don't drink (cos girls always lose out when they get drunk)... TV drama serials were very important parenting toolkits for my mom... I'd be sitting there watching TV with her, and they always showed the consequences of wayward behaviour... My mom will be like, "Arh, see... if you do that you'll become like that arh... You want or not?" And I'll shake my head no... But now the TV drama serials... can't say the same now lah... some things have changed... to make the drama serials full of ideal and morally correct endings doesn't seem to reflect real societal life... but it kinda tells kids that certain bad behaviour is normal in real life, it's okay to behave that way, a lot of people do that...

My parents din really say what I should or should not do, but they taught me not to do unto others what I don't want others to do to me... and they didn't even put that in words... just through their actions, I learned... I sought to understand why they did things the way they did... I learned to understand a certain "moral standard" the world has, a standard that applies to everyone all over the world... while cultures determine to some extent what behaviour is acceptable, in general, some things are constant - we all loathe traitors for instance... So is it wrong to impose our moral values on our kids? I think they'll need some to start them off in this world...

was talking to Db sometime ago... think we were wondering when was it we lost the innocence about our parents... when did we realize that they weren't perfect and that they din know everything? I can't remember... but my mom has always been honest with me... she has always told me that she didn't have much education, so she doesn't know much... she doesn't pretend to know everything... so I don't know when I lost this "innocence" that my parents "know-it-all"... but she taught me so much... seeing how she handled her interpersonal relationships... seeing her generosity, her kindness, her helpfulness, her optimism, her patience... it didn't matter to me whether she knew a lot or knew nothing... I was learning all the same..

No one knows how to be a parent... No one was born to be a parent... It's part of a journey we have to walk through and see, if we choose to take this path... Just as for camps, being the permanent facilitators ie nannies for groups, we know what we are supposed to do (make the group comfortable, take care of them, make them gel etc) but sometimes we just dunno how to go about doing it... some are better than others at doing it, but we all learn...

Sometimes some parents don't seem to care, they seem indifferent to your life... Sometimes some parents seem overprotective, they don't let you go out to experience things... Different parenting styles... who's to say who's right or wrong? But don't question whether your parents love you... don't... just take it that they do... just that they dunno the best way to express it...

First night of Absolut camp, was having a late night conversation with D & SYg about expectations... then we talked a little about our expectations about our kids in future... haha... we had expectations but we were aware that our kids may not meet those expectations... the future... holds a lot of unknowns... just gotta take them as they come...

Haha... got islander pass liao... finally... now can zip off to Sentosa anytime I want, dun even need 3 bucks in my wallet...

went yesterday... with Db, G & Gardenia to inline skate... S, HY & SX went as well... Haven't skated for the longest time... left my skates with LY, and heh, got it back from her on Tue, thanks gal, for passing it to me... hmmm, still not very good at it... dun dare to try the slopes yet... haha...today legs a bit aching... wrong technique i think... but what the heck... for those few moments of the breeze in my face... worth it lah! Gardenia, Sunday onz again yah!

After skating had to rush for meeting at city hall, but it rained... it BLOODY POURED... when I got off the bus, standing at the bus stop, looking at the POURING rain, and at the distance I had to sprint across to reach the sheltered underpass, I was shaking my head and thinking: This is madness... haha... but running across and getting drenched... was quite fun lah... haha... haven't done that for really long... those type of very soaking rain...

After meeting, stayed a while to talk to SM, B, Dah, M & Gardenia... talked about some things I'd like to blog about... BUT NOW, my bro just bought extended version of TWO TOWERS... hiak hiak hiak... gonna watch... till later... ;)

yes... I'm going back... haha... after one year of staying at home... this time it'll be at Extension Block A... Gardenia will be bunking illegally with me hehe... yesterday we were at Chinatown trying to think of all the stuff we were gonna need... thinking of how we were gonna save money by cooking some meals ourselves... haha... quite exciting... but i think after a while we'll be too lazy to cook...

man... I'm gonna miss my ma's cooking... but next sem if I get the modules I want, will probably have a couple of 8am lectures... this sem, only had one 8am lect and I was sleeping throughout the lect... haha... must be getting old... ;) or getting lazy... during my first year second sem could still handle two consecutive days of 8am lecture and tutorial... darn...

Still remember that for first semester how it was like - when I came home for weekends I felt like royalty... haha... my ma would cook my fave food, as if to make up for all that I lost during the week... And my sis and bro will be nicer to me also.. haha... I mean they usually are, but they'll be even nicer than usual... quite a nice feeling... just that exams time when I'd stay over without coming back, it gets really depressing, though Ting would come back soon to join me by Sunday night...

hey... I'll get to use the nice ice cube lamp that the 4 Musketeers gave me!!!! coool... sorry gals, it's been sitting nicely near my desk...=P

It was 1st Dec, Trial Camp day... Was sitting in JM's car as we went with V and ZS to get the drinks... after that it started raining... I was sitting in the front seat... and after that for part of the journey it become a light drizzle...

So on the window pane there were small little droplets of water all over... then as the car moved forward, occasionally there'll be this one droplet of water that will be moving backwards, due to the wind pushing it back as the car drove on... if you sit in a car you might watch out for it next time... so this Droplet is pushed by the wind, it'll join up with droplets it meets along the way to form a bigger droplet... by right because it gets heavier it should drop downwards...

But what I saw was this: as the Droplet moved towards the back, whenever it joined up with a droplet that was higher than its original position, it'll get pulled up... then it'll start drooping a little and start to move down till it meets the next droplet that's higher by a little, and it moves up again...

At that point I felt that I was like that Droplet being forced by the wind to the back of the car... I was pushed in a direction, perhaps at too fast a speed for my liking... and I would have slid down down down, if not for the encouragement of many people, who were like the little droplets pulling that one Droplet up... and that Droplet grew bigger as it went past more little droplets... just as I gained strength from many people's encouragement...

Thank you to all who acted as my droplets...

It's amazing how we can affect another person's life... one small action, one small decision... was it Changing Lanes? that show by Ben Affleck & Samuel L. Jackson? an amplification of how a small something can change so much...

During camp I experienced this... One camper was very sick, but didn't want to go home... As camp chair I was the only person who could overwrite her decision to stay... I consulted many seniors and my committee before deciding that I should talk to her, understand her situation and then see whether I could convince her to go home...

Before talking to her, someone had given me the idea that she was staying cos she had promised her friend to come for the camp together, so it was a "loyalty" thing... and that I felt, personally, was not reason enough to risk your life...

Walking towards her, my mindset was this:
1. Convince her to go home
2. Convince her to go home
3. Convince her to go home

yes... but it didn't feel fair to ask her to go home without listening to her... so I popped the question, "Can you tell me why you don't want to go home?"

And I'm DAMN glad I asked.

She told me she had fought very hard with her father for the chance to come for the camp... She was not in top form on the first day of camp, so her dad had not wanted her to come... so if she went home now, her dad would scold her like mad...

I could empathize... but I also had to think of the very very very worst... which in this case meant I had to think, WHAT IF something happened to her? If something happened to her and in the end she was all right, she'll still get scolded like mad... If something happened to her and in the end she was not very all right, we would be held responsible...

If I asked her to go now, I could be more sure that she will at least be well... in safer hands at least... cos at the camp, my first aiders also had to be on standby for other campers... But if I asked her to go home, what "aftereffects" will there be for her life? will her father prevent her from joining other camps in future? How will this affect her social development? How will it affect her relationship with her father?

I had no answers. I was stumped for a moment. Ok, make that many moments.

Then SYg stepped in and informed her gently that she had to take responsibility for her decision to stay... and if she stayed we had the right to decide what she could take part in and what she had to stay out of...

so SYg and I walked her back to the huts to rest... She took a bit of food then went to sleep... she joined us later for DISC where I sat beside her and directed her through the test... she joined the sharing sessions after dinner and also played "move the people" game... but for Ic's game, we couldn't let her go... too risky... so she stayed with SYg, we took her to the first station by the car, then for the rest of the game before midnight she was at the Siloso Beach station with the station masters before shifting back up to the huts area with SYg as company... She didn't go off to rest though... when I was back at the huts waiting for groups to come back and collect keys from me, she told us "I miss my group"... she waited for her group to come back so she could bathe with the girls in her group...

I admire her strength... she was fighting her own battle, for something she felt she deserved... Absolut camp just HAPPENED to be her battlefield... In that sense she did go through self-awareness... but not so much through our planning... Her Absolut experience is unique... I wrote her a warm fuzzy on the last day...

She has made me learn too.

my voice has gone all wrong... I now have a funny low voice...

I'm listening to Zhou Chuan Xiong's CD - Huang2 Hun1 ROCKS!!!!!!!!!

I'm singing along and I think my voice will be damn captivating if I'm a guy... girls, please swoon at my wonderful newly discovered GUY voice...

haha...

Absolut-leeU ended on Friday...
I can finally think properly about other things without random thoughts of Absolut jumping in without warning...
So much went on that my thoughts are swimming in my mind, all over the place... will take a while to reorganize some before I write any here... but I'll just write down what I feel first... feelings are more distinct for me now, the thoughts are all jumbled up...

Day Negative One, 1st Dec 2003
During my uncle's wedding dinner got a message from K saying that T, her friend who's coming as a camper, is sick and can't make it for camp. Found out that some campers didn't get their list of things to bring during registration... Darn, means have to last minute send out... and realize I was the only one with campers' contacts, so being stuck at the wedding dinner means no one else can do it until i get home...argh... stupid me...
during the dinner my sis grabbed 2 different glasses of white wine for me... she was in charge of getting the wine for the wedding, so she wanted my opinion about them... Now is the point I clarify that I'm no expert... But she will just ask me what I think about wine that she buys, and that night as usual, she'll ask me to try...
But my throat started feeling funny... actually the weird-throat-sensation probably started since afternoon of trial camp, but just before I slept that night, I had the premonition that my throat was going wrong.
Feeling worried.

Day Zero, 2nd Dec 2003
BINGO. Woke up and my throat was hurting. Downed water like nobody's business. Had to get ready A LOT of stuff last minute... had to go to Concourse to get stuff like balloons, rubber bands, styrofoam cups, whistles etc... had to settle name tags as well so cut all my string to tie during my bus trips... yes, that's how bad it was... really bad time management... had to fully utilize every minute...
Feeling time against me.

After buying all the stuff, which amounted to one BIG bag that was not very heavy, but looked very bulky, I went home.
Feeling very auntie, carrying that big bag and balancing my umbrella.

On the bus ride home I received a message from another camper saying she's sick and can't come for camp. Damn. Had to redo my groupings, cos just happened that both campers who are sick are placed in the same group. I'm so "lucky".
Feeling scared that more campers will just not turn up for camp on day one.

Had to do room allocation. J messaged me to remind me to try to make everyone comfortable and try as much as possible to allow facis to rest well and have a proper bed... So far I could allow every camper a proper bed, but some facis had to squeeze... J asked me to see how and try to get people to bring sleeping bags if needed, can go outside to sleep rather than squeeze...
Feeling frenzied.

Db called to ask something. Told her about problem with room allocation. Had worked at allocation, reallocation, reallocation... Just didn't seem to get somethings satisfactory... She volunteered to help me call all the facis to bring sleeping bags...
Feeling touched. Cos Db obviously has her own stuff she needs to settle, but still she did this for me.

After settling room allocation, still had to cut tags paper and laminating paper and stick the contact list, which also had to be redone cos I changed 2 groupings due to the sick campers... My mom offered to help me stick double-sided tape to the contact lists while I pasted them to the back of the tags...
Feeling loved. My mom RULES.

Day One, 3rd Dec 2003
I woke up thinking: THIS IS IT. TODAY IS THE DAY.
Exactly one year ago was 2nd day of my Absolut Voila camp, which I attended as a camper...
Feeling anticipation.

Throat felt funny, but not sore throat yet... had a bit of phlegm, so popped pills and hope I wouldn't go down during camp... Still haven't done Headbangers for Db's game as I promised... started cutting masking tape like mad... Still haven't packed my bag... rushed to grab my things from everywhere... Rushed to buy bread for camp consumption... 3 BIG bags of bread... had to struggle a bit to get up the bus...If I had felt "auntie" the day before, it was nothing compared to now...

Very glad that JM offered to come over to drive me... at first I thought I could manage... I mean, I thought thru the stuff I was bringing: just my own bag, my sleeping bag, cups, supper food and breakfast bread... din sound like a lot, but it came up to about 6 bags not including my backpack... the bread lah... didn't know bread can be so bulky...
Feeling relieved and peaceful. Being driven in a car by others gives me that feeling. I'm a "driven" person - pun intended.

Reached meeting place, hardly had time to do much before campers arrived... set them to start designing their own tags... din have time to do my own one, so just anyhow write my name... forgot to write my group name before I sealed it with laminating paper... had to quickly peel it out a bit and try to salvage... Db helped me run around finding scissors and puncher so I could wear it... that gal's a life saver... ;)
groups went for lunch... I told my group to go off first cos I had to tie up loose ends... missed the first opportunity to really bond with my group cos had to meet the food person we were getting meals from, then drive in with JM & YZ to settle check in... Some rooms were still being repaired... alamak... of all days they choose this day to do it... had to wait for keys... let everyone go off to beach for games while I waited... when i went down to the beach to join the rest, the skies not looking too good... D told me to decide when to ask camp to run back in case it rains... so I spent most of the afternoon looking at the skies... some facis remarked that they didn't feel the energy from the campers...
Dinner time... cos A couldn't make it for camp, Ic and JM had to help me settle food - go out to get the food and drive back in.. Very thankful for their help... JM really took charge of the food, making sure the permanent facis took the right number of packets etc...actually wanted to sit with my group, but JM and YZ weren't, so I just sat with them...later joined by G, Kv and others... they cracked lame jokes, laughed till i almost died... Sunshine came to visit, gave me a wonderful massage... thanks dear! ;)
Feeling a little relaxed.

Champion's Walk time... for a while stood holding a lightstick to guide people up, but realized my position very redundant, so went to join JM and Db in the car... that JM went to flash car lights at campers as they walked individually up... and he was really amused that some people din even turn to look...
Debrief for facis - suffice to say that it was a little demoralizing.. Talked to SYg and D for a while after everything...
Feeling a little better after talking to the two of them.

Day Two, 4th Dec 2003
almost didn't want to wake up. was quite tired cos i'm one person who needs my sleep. but had to drag myself up. Throat hurt. Darn. WF sprained her leg, had to go home...asked Sb to join her group in her place..
After breakfast had KS's Tangram game... was quite interesting seeing how the campers in my group worked together, cos I missed seeing how they did Silent puzzle the night before... then shifted down to the beach to play stones to paradise... J gave me a play-play head massage with finger pressure... felt good...XS picked a stone for me, jokingly saying that it's a lucky stone.. kept it in my pouch...;)
Had a camper who had not been feeling so well since the night before, so I made it a point to ask if she was fine enough to continue, cos the game (we were all certain) would drag at least till noon... she told me she was better already and could continue, so I told her if she's not feeling too good, inform us straight away.. the weather was good, cool breeze and slight sun... after some time that camper had to sit down cos she was feeling giddy... later it got worse, but she didn't want to go home... seniors started coming over to me to say if necessary I had to step in to get her to go home, to overwrite her decision to stay...went to talk to the camper together with J, who was her perm faci... realized what was her reason for wanting to stay...got her back to the huts to rest...
Feeling the weight of the responsibility - what it feels like to be held responsible for another person's life.

The rest of the afternoon went fine... helped YZ and Kp prepare for Reach for the pail game... when we finished setting up the whole thing, one small group of people (in late 20s I think) walked by and asked what we were doing... told them we were preparing for a game, then they wanted to try out... oh well... might as well let some ppl try and see if today's setup was okie... since they volunteered... haha... they were quite funny... anyway they got the pail out after a few minutes... din seem too difficult, so we upped the water level in the pail.. hiak hiak...also played balloon bursting game just for fun...
Feeling good after running around trying to burst balloons.

When preparing setup for chair game, was a bit uptight about the night's game, so me & Db got on each other's nerves for a while over a small thing... I went over to the other side to finish up setup, Db went back to our hut to get stuff... then I cooled down and realized how trivial it all was... went back to our hut... me and Db apologized simultaneously and we laughed... a precious moment...
Feeling thankful for the friendship that we have.

Group set out for Ic's night game after playing "move the people" game... me, Kv and YZ set out slowly to our station with pails... Db joined us later, then me and her went over up to lifeguard's tower to talk... damn nice place... then had to rush back to pass SYg keys so she could bring a camper back... after that went back to huts to wait for groups to return... was a bit shocked by the way one group returned cos it wasn't very safe... it was quite scary to think about consequences had anything gone wrong... could tell that there was some tension between certain people after that...
Feeling for the second time that day - the BURDEN of responsibility for people's safety.

after everyone came back then I felt I could finally be more relaxed, so went to get my bathing stuff... Al accompanied me and we talked - before bathing, and after bathing when we went back to huts... I just spilled everything out to her... and I'm so glad she was there to listen and offer me an objective view of things, to keep me in check...I had taken the DISC test in the afternoon, realized that I hadn't changed much since last year... still a "specialist"... and I told Al that the weaknesses the test stated rang very true in me... I mean, I know I shouldn't take the test toooo seriously, in fact, I advised the 2 campers who were taking the test under my directions to just read the results but don't take it too seriously... but the test results for me just hit bull's eye lah... a bit hard for me not to take it seriously... but Al talked to me and I felt better... and then fatigue finally started to take its toll... was straining to keep my eyes open when Db came in and she and Al were talking to me...just told them straight I can't tahan already, or else it'd be damn rude if they were talking and I just ZZzzz off...

Day Three, 5th Dec 2003
Woke up thinking: OMIGOSH - LAST DAY OF CAMP.
Rushed to write warm fuzzies for people... had been lazy and hadn't written anything at all... so many people who made me feel happier, better, made me learn, offered me support and encouragement... I could spend the whole day writing... still owe Al & HJ their warm fuzzies...
Was in a mess trying to collect room keys back... argh...
My butt kena dipped in pool... dunno why so "heng" to be the first Absolut chair to get it.. J din kena last year!!! Al said this year Absolut camp break tradition cos it didn't rain (yes, I'm counting my blessings already), so have to create this new tradition in place...water din come from above, so must come from below... haha...
Had to stay back a while to settle room key problem after the groups left... felt quite touched that YZ and JM stayed back and din leave with their groups...
Then we went harbourfront together... thought my group not there anymore, but they were... but I din join them because I felt it'd be super weird if I butted in now, cos they were already so close... so sat with YZ and JM waiting for YZ's group which got stuck on monorail that broke down (haha).. so it was weird, me and my group, separated by a glass pane at the food court... symbolism? So near and yet so far... but it's my fault lah, din make the effort...
After YZ's group arrived, we ate, then left... JM sent YZ, me & Db home with our barang.. on the trip back I started reading my warm fuzzies...all were very encouraging... felt very touched... especially by Al's half page long "essay" to me... I almost cried while I was reading it on the car... think YZ must be wondering why my eyes were all red... haha...

The camp's over... It has finally sunk in...

a lot of things to do.
not enough time.
correction: poor time management and planning.
memory not good enough. can't even remember to write things down so I won't forget later.
I try though.

wonderful friends. LOTS of encouragement and support.
LOVE YOU ALL.

Trial camp today.
was late cos was trying to type everyone's details into a file and get ready emergency contact info and allergies and blood type and what not. should have been done long before. but it's PROCRASTINATION, so have to deal with it now without complaining. but I'm whining here. what the heck.
was late cos was trying to get ready stuff that I can work on for the rest of today while I'm not at home. printer ran out of ink. had to replace cartridge.
was late cos tot I'd be faster catching a lift from my sister to tanjong pagar. oh well. she took bloody long to bathe.
had to leave early to get sponsored drinks with V and ZS. Thanks for helping! and of cos with the help of our steady driver JM and his car. tried to help with the map reading lah, but erm, he kinda figured out the way also, so I wasn't much help.
had to go home after getting drinks and missed much of trial camp cos had to get ready to go for my uncle's wedding dinner.
BUT whatever bit I got to play for trial camp was fun. activities are not to be revealed here though, for the benefit of some campers. Hee.
just got news that one camper is sick and won't be coming for camp. oh well. hope she gets better. hols are one of the worst times to get sick. Heck, anytime is a bad time to get sick.
realized during the dinner that I should have done a lot more things before today. damn.
phew. long day.
so. Pray for me, and pray that 3 - 5 Dec it doesn't rain in Sentosa. Ok that sounds too greedy. Ok, pray we'll have short, not sudden, not raining-cats-and-dogs rain on one day then.

this person who stopped calling me some time ago has started to message and call me again. messages started just before my last paper, and THE call came during the wedding dinner. Damn. not looking forward to that. argh.