in thoughts...

Was re-reading a friend's blog... saw this part about identity... Trying to find oneself... And how the friends we make, the family we have, the things we do, the clubs we join, ARE the very things that define us and who we are for now, as if we dun have an identity of our own...

And that made me think about something else... When I was writing my entry for Loading.... Loading... 100% Matrix Reloaded.... on 13 Nov 2003, D made a comment about choosing to live on even after losing loved ones, because we can still find other meanings in life, though life will indeed be less meaningful without them...

And I did think about this a looooong time ago.. I felt that my family, especially my Mom, is so important to me that if I lost them, I might not know how to live on... They are part of the purpose I live on, they are part of my identity... Not exaggerating to say that they're the crux of my existence...

I did comment on a friend's blog once, that we don't just live for ourselves, sometimes we live for the other people in our lives... thinking about my own comment, it seems flawed... because that means if I don't have people I want to live for, I'll just go and die or something...

And then I thought of the talk I attended couple of months back - organized by BS... Sb told me about it and I went... The Venerable talked about practicing love without attachment... it's love with attachment that results in hurt and even (in extreme cases) crimes of passion...another lady talked about having self-love before we love others...

Very deep concepts... very hard to explain - it's hard to grasp in the first place... I'm not sure I got the same interpretation as what the Venerable was trying to say... but a combination of what I learned from that talk is that - love doesn't mean possession, we don't own others, others don't own us, so when you lose them (through separation or death), we shouldn't be so utterly destroyed that there's no turning back... but to do that, we have to realize that to practise this love without attachment we first have to love ourselves enough...

and to be able to love myself, I have to find out who I am (so that I can find what's lovable about myself)... and that's difficult...