in thoughts...

Will you take the Red Pill, or the Blue Pill?
Will you choose to save the world and give up the life of your lover, or will you save your lover and give up the survival of the mankind?

There is no choice. There is just the illusion of Choice.
There is no choice. This is what the lady said to me, after the staging of the drama my friend P invited me to. Will you choose God and spend eternity in Heaven? Or will you choose not to accept God and spend eternity suffering in Hell?

There is no choice.
You have no choice; I have no choice.

Choice means you have at least one alternative. If you do not pick Option 1, Option 2 is just as viable. Weigh the pros and cons of each option and then pick one option.

Now comes the Illusion of Choice. When you die, you will go to Hell and suffer. You do not have a choice about that. No appeals. You can’t choose between Hell Level 1 or 5…
Now, you have a choice as to whether you want to accept God. Then you can go to Heaven when you die… Now make your choice: Will you accept God or NOT?

What is your choice?

I can’t choose not to die… I WILL die…

If you were Neo, will you choose to save the world, and survive without your lover, OR save your lover and await Armageddon together with her or him?

There is no choice. Or is there?

We can’t decide or choose what happens to us… We can’t help the circumstances that happen to us… But perhaps we can choose how to respond to them…

“The future is the only kind of property that the masters willingly concede to their slaves.”
Camus

If we must be slaves to the masters, the higher Being governing our lives, let us choose how our future can be like… No one should deprive us of our rights to our future…

What’s real and what’s not? I think we wonder from time to time… What with The Matrix, The Matrix Reloaded, The Truman Show, and all the philosophy by the philosophers, this question pops up ever so often… Maybe the life we’re living, the things we’re touching, the air we’re breathing, are all not real… Maybe it’s all in our minds… Maybe some higher Being is determining how we see the world, controlling and distorting the truth…

I would like to know… Is someone, God, The Engineer, The Architect, another Being, a TV producer, dictating our lives? Is there Providence? Is our destiny predetermined? Is our imagination our limit? If nothing is real, and our will power is the key, is there nothing we can’t do? But if we pit will power against the higher Being governing our lives, who will win?

Those are just some things I’ve yet to figure out… And The Matrix movies are not helping, because I don’t think they’re that well-thought out, at least not carefully enough… If nothing is real, and if just though your will power, brain power, true belief in yourself, you can leap across buildings, what stops all the “enlightened” people from flying? Why is it only Neo can fly? If nothing is real, gravity is just something your mind tells you exists, right? Even Death is not absolute, since Neo managed to save Trinity from death…

“At me too someone is looking, of me too someone is saying, he is sleeping, he knows nothing, let him sleep on.”
'Vladimir', Samuel Beckett in "Waiting for Godot"

The “enlightened” people in Zion try to “save” people still living in ignorance, still stuck within The Matrix. This higher level of knowledge makes it as if the people in Zion are superior to those in the Matrix. But what if they are still within the system? What if the higher Being had planned on people in Zion learning about the Matrix but not discovering that they’re still within the system? Maybe there are different levels of this Matrix… Maybe another group of people are looking at the people in Zion, and shaking their heads at their complacency…

R.E.A.L. – Reality Escapes Actual Life… But wait, which is Reality and which is actual Life?

I received this story via email a few times, and every time I'd keep it in my inbox for quite some time, because I found it so touching that it always feels like a pity to delete it... Now I'll post it here, to share it with anyone who may chance until my blog... and hopefully it keeps you thinking, for a while at least, how you can change someone else's life... However, I don't have the author of the story, so I hope I don't get into trouble for some copyright thing...


One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd." I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives."

He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes.

We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me half the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak.

Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. "Thanks," he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story."

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable." I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and Dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.

Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others.

My friend P invited me and another friend V to a drama staged by her church on Sat. My friend V, and I are both free thinkers. Anyway, the drama was about this true story of a woman 2 centuries ago, who for a while remained cynical about religion, until she fell into a coma, whereby she witnessed many things: glimpses of heavenly realms, Jesus’ birth, His life, His suffering and His works on earth.

The drama, I must admit, was quite a good effort: the acting, the directing, costumes, lightings… a good production. After the drama, the pastor talked about how he was transformed by God, how bad he once was, how much better he felt after receiving Christ. Here’s one line he said that I remember: I couldn’t enjoy God because Sin was in me, and I couldn’t enjoy Sin because God was in me.

Then, as V and I secretly expected, there was the usual call for people to accept Christ into their hearts. V and I did not step out to join this new group of “would-be Christians”, for our own reasons – V doesn’t feel that she needs a religion, I am just plain confused and I refuse to accept something when I’m still confused about it.

After that, this lady walked up to us and asked my friend P if we accepted Christ. P answered that V and I did not. This lady then started talking to us, me in particular, because V was looking at this large banner hanging somewhere and thus she looked “a little distant”, in the lady’s words. She told us about this guy who was about to accept Christ but was delaying it, and he was knocked down by a motorcyclist before he could accept Christ. So she urged us to accept Christ soon. Then she turned to P and told her not to be so disappointed, whereby P just burst into tears. And when I saw P cry (I’ve never seen P cry), tears started welling up in my own eyes. I think, more than anything, I felt like crying because it was as if something I did, or rather didn’t do, made P cry. But still, V and I stuck to our decision not to accept Christ, at least on that day at that time.

P had to stay to help with costumes for another performance in the evening, so V and I went off to grab something to eat and talk. V said she doesn’t feel as if she needs a religion in her life, that she feels happy every morning when she wakes up(this was in response to what the lady said about waking up each day feeling wonderful to know God is in her). For me, I just wonder how people come to have such deep faith in their religion. I mean, for those who have been through a crisis and felt they survived only because of God and their faith in Him, I can see how the faith is built. But what about children who just accept their parents’ religion? Do they get indoctrinated as they grow up? (Hmm, I think there is such a word as indoctrinate right?) Do they look for evidence of God’s power as they grow up and thus build their faith?

In the drama, the idea was that God’s mercy triumphs over judgement… that Jesus had paid for our sins when he died for us on the cross long ago… but does that mean that as long as I accept Christ, I’ll go to heaven when I die? I did say the prayer to accept Christ into my heart when I was young, but since I haven’t done much to follow up after that, isn’t it as good as not having said it before?

When we die, they say we’ll face judgement before God, to answer for our lives. I wonder, if 3 different people stood in front of Him, how will he judge?
First person is one who has said the prayer to accept Christ, but has not done anything much after that, no development in his relationship with God, in other words.
Second person is one who has done many ill deeds in his life, but just minutes before his death, he accepted Christ into his heart.
Third person is one who has never said the prayer before, and in fact, he has rejected the chance to accept Christ, but his conduct is extremely good, for example he does good deeds and helps people with all his heart and effort.
Who will go to Heaven, and who will suffer in Hell?

I don’t want to adopt a religion just because people ask me to. I don’t want to adopt a religion just because people around me are doing it. I feel that when I am going to adopt a religion, it has to be because I really believe in it, because it’ll make me a more complete person, a happier person, a wiser person, a stronger person.

I was saying to V, what makes people want to believe? She said, “Crisis and insecurity.”

Maybe, I guess. Maybe a crisis is what will push me to a religion. It sounds like I’m just asking for a beating, asking for trouble. Darn.

I read something somebody called Erma Bombeck wrote before... apparently she fought with cancer and lost... some things she wrote still touch something deep inside of me, even as I read it now... below are excerpts...

If I had my life to live over...
I would have talked less and listened more...
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth...
I would have burned the pink candle scrulpted like a rose before it melted in storage...
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life...
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending that the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for a day...
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realised that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist in a miracle...
There would have been more "I love you" and "Sorry", but most of all, I would seize every minute, look at it, really see it, live it and never give it back....

I have this written on the back of my notebook, which I carry almost everywhere... It's been there for the second year now... I intend to keep it with me for many years to come, just to remind me from time to time to cherish what I have... and remind me how I can live a better life, just by focusing on each day, each hour... and how the smallest difference can make a different impact... how a ripple can become a wave, both in my life and in someone else's life...

I suppose you can tell by now... I'm really quite paranoid about having regrets, or dying before I fulfill my dreams... or not living to the fullest that I am capable of... As such, I'll never take drugs nor smoke, and sometimes I can hardly contain my disapproval of those who do that... guess I'm not cut out to be a social worker... I can't keep my prejudices... I just can't find myself agreeing with someone who wants to hurt themselves or cut their lives short, when so many people out there want to live but can't...

Many that live deserve death. And some die that deserve life.
Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien

Maybe it's not up to me to judge if they're wrong or right in choosing to live their lives this way... Even the wisest cannot see all ends... (Tolkien)

But sometimes it's just so hard... I was just watching television last night, about how SARS took the life of this famous and capable doctor in Singapore... He still had so much to live for...

Sigh... wonder why the world's not fair... who will give me answers?

I had this conversation with my camper just that day... she was asking me if I will go after a guy if I really really like him... I told her no, because I feel that if the guy likes me, he'll go after me... If he doesn't go after me, he's not worth my going after him... If guys happen to be reading this, please take note...;) I think I'm speaking for quite a group of girls by saying that... It may be the 21st century and all, but love is primitive... I'd rather slowly learn to love a guy who loves me, than try to convince a guy to start liking me.... I told my camper that for me to like a person, he first has to be a friend...All these I've mentioned in my previous entry on "Loving Singlehooooood"...

My camper agreed with me, then we started getting bothered by what that means.... If we like a friend, we'll not "chase" them, but instead wait for him to make the move... yet all this time we have to hide our true feelings, and continue to be just a "friend" until, Ta-Dah, one day, he suddenly wants to be more than friends... But what if he doesn't want to be more than friends? we came to the conclusion that we'll just leave it as that, because we don't want to risk losing a friend... In case that friend gets "scared" and doesn't even want to remain friends anymore....

Going back to my entry on regret, will I regret not telling this person that I like him? I don't know... they say the relationship that never began will always remain the sweetest and most romantic... because of all the possibilities that did not get to be explored... Maybe I'll regret not being able to love that person in that special type of way, but perhaps as a friend he'll hold a very special place in my heart... and if anything can take that regret away, it'll be to see him happy with his own girl... But sigh, if he's unhappy with his love life, that'll add to my regrets too...

I watched a show a long time ago, and this character that Wu Da Wei David was playing said this line that I remember till today... not the exact words, but something to this effect: "老了没有回忆不要紧，留下一大堆后悔就不太好了..." - "It's ok not to have no memories when you're old, but it wouldn't be that great to be left with a whole lot of regrets."

Of course I want memories, I don't agree with that part of the sentence... But I'll rather lose my memory than have it filled with my regrets... It may sound a little stupid to be thinking about regrets when I’m only about 20, but hey, I don’t really want to end up on my rocking chair many years later wishing that I had set out not to have to much regret in my life… So I’m starting a bit early, thinking about this..

I suppose the most painful type of regret would be something that you can't make up for, even if you try... a choice that has resulted in unhappiness, or letting happiness slip away... and we read about this so much in emails... I don't know if it's having an effect on anyone else... but it does remind me from time to time to cherish the people around me... I once wrote a poem when I was in secondary school... it's about regret... but finding consolation... maybe it's human to reduce the pain of regret by consoling ourselves that things are not as bad as we imagine....

TOO LATE
It was too late, he realised.
He looked at his mom and cried.
So many things he wished he had done,
Yet the chance was gone, never again to come.
All the words he wished he had said,
But now it was too late, too late.
For now Mom lay still, with her eyes shut,
The thought brought tears and pained his heart.
He wished he could turn back the time,
And return to the days when Mom was alive.
But wishes were things of the past,
Something he believed in before Mom breathed her last.
He longed to cry in her comforting embrace,
But all he was left with was the pain time cannot erase.
He knew it was too late, too late,
To tell Mom how much he loved her.
But he whispered the words near her ear,
And hoped somewhere in Heaven Mom would hear.


The thing about the poems I wrote last time is that I always try my darnest to make them rhyme... won't bother changing anything now... doubt I can make it better... not bothered about dolling my words up with literary devices... the idea's there... that's all I care about... that the message gets across...

I'm back from camp... I mean, I've been back from camp since Friday night, but can you believe it? I actually managed to stay off my laptop for 3 entire days! I hardly even thought about going online, cos of all the things I had to do after the camp: give tuition, meet friends, SLEEP.... hahah... that one was important... I haven't slept so well in quite a while... it was those type of sleep that makes me totally unaware that I'm alive and actually exist in this world until the moment I wake up... hahah.... I'm such a pig...

As I, The Worry Wart, have mentioned before, most of the things I worry about turn out all right... I was an ok nanny, not terrific but HEY, it's my first time.... I was telling my campers that I still feel like a freshman myself, but I have to act as if I really know what to do in all situations... hahah... of course I only told them this on the last day... think they might have freaked out if I said that on first day of camp.... and i dun think many, if any, camper played me out by not coming... ;) yay! so happy! I had some interesting campers, some shy some not... but I had fun having fun... that sounds absurd as a sentence, but it's true...

Now I'm back in reality... Camps dun seem real to me... they're like escapes into fun for me... of course some camps are less fun than I expected... but this round was great... reminded me of the Absolut camp I had end of the year 2002... that's when I started to know some great people in campus... ;) that was the real start of friends-making that I had since university life started...

Felt really emotional after this camp... There's quite a long story behind all these emotions that i feel... During the holidays before the start of university life, freshmen usually join camps to get to know people, and that's what I did... what was unusual for me was that I didn't feel the bond between myself and my other group members, nor any attachment or desire to want to join the society hosting the camp... I joined 2 camps, and looking back on them, i haven't maintained much of the friendships made there... thinking it might be useful to join a society that caters to the students wanting to major in psychology, which is what i'm interested in, I joined this society called SWAPS, which also caters to social work students... going to the Annual General Meeting, I realised i was one of the only two students who had come for the meeting but had not joined the camp SWAPS had organised... I felt a little separated from the rest of the students at that point, but made up my mind that I really wanted to make some friends who were here to stay...

I pulled a primary school friend of mine into the society, but we joined different sub coms - I joined publicity while she signed up for welfare... but eventually she was busy with her other activities, while I tried to integrate into the SWAPS family... and I must say the people here really made me feel welcome... yet I could feel the distance between us, because I did not go through what they went through together during the camp as a group... Giving camps one last chance, I joined Absolut 2002 and got to know some people who I'll want to be friends with till I'm old and rocking on my chair... Encouraged by the warmth of that camp, I joined the organising committee for this year's freshmen camp... I haven't looked back since then... No regrets...

End of the camp, SWAPS Transcend 2003 that day, we had a ribbon cutting ceremony. Each person holds a piece of ribbon, tying it to the piece of ribbon the next person holds, so that eventually we have a circle made up of tied ribbons. As we tie the ribbon, we say what we expected of the camp, and what we've taken away from the experience... I cried... because I felt that the regret of not joining the camp last year, has somewhat been reduced by the joy and fun I've had during this camp....

My camp starts on Wednesday... I'm feeling very jittery... I'm assigned to be a permanent facilitator, which means I stick with my campers like almost 24 hours a day... well, maybe about 18 hours... haven't found the time to do blog cos I'm so so so wrapped up in preparing for the camp... I almost didn't have time to worry about being a lousy nanny - too anti-social, too shy, too quiet.... hahah... ok, I'll try... and see what happens...

I actually was supposed to do groupings for campers, and I did, based on people's comments on them, and the feeling I get about how they're like when I met them... This is in hope that my groupings will not make any group overly dynamic, or overly quiet... apparently I acted too slow, cos my chairperson has done another, which has instant effect cos the leaders were given instructions to call the campers already... and there's nothing I can do to say "Wait! I've got something!".... It's like an email that's been sent... I wanted it to be perfect, then just milliseconds after I press the "send" button, I notice the mistakes... nothing I can do to undo that action... far from reach....

Oh well... I guess the next time I blog will be much much later... after I get enough rest from my camp... my week is so packed I feel like I'm short of time and 24 hours are too little...

Countdown to camp: Day -1... I mean, Tue will be Day 0... Wed will be THE DAY... oh gosh... Should I pray? haha...