in thoughts...

I'm at the age where most of my peers have had, or are having a boyfriend or girlfriend of their own, battled or are battling some emotional upheavals... Me? Never had a relationship with a guy yet, and I'm not rushing into things... I don't want to get a boyfriend just because everyone else(almost..) has one... Maybe you're thinking, HAH, she's probably incapable of getting a boyfriend, she's just making it sound as if she has a choice on this... Maybe you're right, but maybe you're not... The thing is, I don't want to actively try to get a boyfriend, so I won't know how true the above statement is... And maybe it's exactly because I've never been in love before that I'm holding on to such idealistic views on love... That Love happens when you least expect it... that the best love blossoms when friendship is firm - and even if love dies, the friendship remains... my my, I can see you shaking your head... The Naive One speaks...

My friend was asking me for advice, whether she should start a relationship with this guy who likes her a lot... problem is, she doesn't seem to like him as much as he likes her, and the height factor was a bit lacking, which can be a problem for her because she's tall... She asked me to ask her questions which will let her determine if she really wants to go out with him... She did mention that the temptation is great to just get a boyfriend, because SO MANY people around us are attached, and are so EASILY attached... I offered her advice, asked her questions - "is it any guy who comes along has a chance, or is it because it's him that he gets a chance?" Not sure how useful those questions are, but hey, you're asking an amateur for advice - you throw peanuts out, expect monkeys... Well, they are now a couple, and I hope she's happy... told her that love should, at the very least, be a happy thing (I refrain from saying happy "affair" because that kind of makes it sound like a short-lived thing, though I suppose there are really looooong affairs...)

What I said to her, eventually sums up to this - give it a try, because he really sounds like he's serious, he doesn't sound like someone out for just a fling, and I think, for girls, it's always good to find a guy who loves you more than you love him... maybe I'm generalising, but I think girls have a larger tendency and capacity to gradually learn to love a guy more... Maybe I'm just speaking for myself here...

"I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself."
'Lord Goring', Oscar Wilde in "An Ideal Husband"

I do have a group of friends who, like me, have never been attached before... we joke about it, but secretly, I wonder if all of them are really that easy about not having a boyfriend... I mean, we are talking about the abdominable and powerful agent of PEER PRESSURE here... Sometimes we have to declare out loud that we love Singlehood - especially if you hear about all the things you don't want to happen to you... sometimes we just console each other.... that we haven't meet a suitable person yet... Or, to up the ego a bit, my friend argues that because she's too pretty, she is doomed to be matched with an ugly guy (because she always sees pretty girls with ugly boyfriends), and that this ugly boyfriend hasn't turned up yet... I sometimes jest with her, saying I always see the cute guys with not-so-pretty girlfriends, so I concede to be not-so-pretty, and I started my slogan of "Cute guy, drop from the sky!", which makes her laugh quite a bit... I personally like my slogan because it rhymes... oh well... Actually all my crushes so far, all the guys I've secretly admired, they're seldom cute... Rather, they are super nice guys... Problem is, they are so super nice that they often come attached with their own super nice girlfriends...

"It's not the perfect, but the imperfect, who have need of love."
'Sir Robert Chiltern', Oscar Wilde in "An Ideal Husband"

My diaries all these years, since I was young, all face a similar fate... Initially, when they are first began, they are written almost everyday... usually as part of some New Year resolution...then, as time passes, there may be an entry every two weeks, then gradually once a month, then they stop completely with the exception of THE entry that comes on the eve of my examinations, which is filled with angst and worries and frustration and what-have-you... I try not to write vulgarities in my entries of my diaries... Well, I only did it once... That was during JC, when I was really stressed out... Not good for posterity, just in case I die suddenly and my diaries are read by someone else... hahah... but then, I don't really care...

Actually I don't know why I write diaries... Nothing particular interesting or exciting happens, then again my definition of interesting or exciting will definitely differ from yours... Still, I sometimes feel the need to register somewhere, the mundanities of my life... sometimes it's just a record of musings I have through the day, or through the week, depending on how long I muse upon a particular subject... But if I think about it for too long, it gets too complicated to put down on paper, which explains why my diaries eventually come to nothing...

I realised that my last entry was about a week ago... and I thought I had to write something here, before my blog dies a premature death like my diaries... I don't intend to let my friends know about this blog... because this is sort of like my diary... If I have anything I really want to say to them, I suppose I'll say it to them straight, not here... ;) So if you're a friend of mine who chances on this blog by accident, please don't tell me that you're reading my blog... or I may feel obliged to write stuff that's "politically" or "socially" correct, in order not to offend anyone I know... which will defeat the purpose of my writing a blog...

There was once in my sociology class that my tutor asked us, what things we keep around our homes that has no real practical use, but are treasured... My answer, among other things, included my "diaries" or my books containing my "musings"... My tutor then asked me if I really wanted to keep my thoughts lying around, and he gave the example of a person who had really erotic dreams which he recorded down, and those became public in the end... I said I didn't mind, because my musings definitely do not include erotic dreams, and even if they do, my books will only become public after I die (because I guard them safely), and I won't really bother with how people think of me after I die... I mean, after I die, even if I am concerned about how people think of me, I won't have the ability to do anything to change it... I suppose why I treasure these musings so much is because they are part of me and what I think... Maybe if I read more books I would realise that someone else has talked about the same stuff in more depth before, and my thoughts wouldn't seem so unique or smart anymore, but at least for a while, I, ME, MYSELF owned them only... Other people reading my musings may think I'm not original, that maybe I ripped something off someone else's book, but hey, I wouldn't know until I chance upon THAT someone else's book, right? I think my beliefs and thoughts constitute part of my identity, and so it is important for me to think my thoughts out, so I can clear up my identity - what kind of person I am, what kind of person I aspire to be and so on...

I used to be real talkative... ask my primary school or lower secondary friends... they'll tell you... I don't know what happened in my upper secondary school years... I became serious I think, and I started not to know what to say to people... Sometimes I think that when I talked a lot last time, I was talking crap, bull-shit, silly stuff, and eventually I decided that I should show my intelligence(haha) and not talk so much stupid things... Gradually I became quieter...

To Talk or Not To Talk - that's no longer my question... my question is: WHAT TO TALK ABOUT?

I'm still talkative when I'm with some of my friends... mainly old friends who knew the talkative me... But there's one exception... this friend I've known for less than half a year till now... when we got to know each other at camp both of us were very quiet... I remember at one point of the camp she asked me, "Why if I don't talk to you, you also don't talk to me?" Hahah... I can't remember how I replied... but within the length of the camp, we talked more... other people still think two of us are super quiet people... but when we're together now, we have plenty to say to each other...

Yak Yak Yak Yak...

Had the trial run for some of the camp games today... quite fun... didn't get really really wet, though that might have been fun too... Just had a camper asking me what's so fun about wet activities and why all camps must have them... never really thought about that... was I just following instructions blindly and not considering if I enjoyed the activities? I'm not sure, but I think I found getting soaked with water rather fun, in a way... I answered this camper by saying that camps are tremendously great opportunities for adults to behave like kids (people our age are adults already I suppose... most have the digit '2' as the first digit of their age... ) And I really feel so... In camps, it doesn't matter what you do, how silly or childish you look because it's all in the name of fun...

"We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing."

Today we played captain's ball... supposed to have played it partly in the sea water, but we didn't because the water looked really dirty... someone spotted a used condom floating around as the tide came up to our knees... we were all rather put off and moved back to the shore to play... Haven't played captain's ball competitively since Secondary Two... we played semi-competitively today... Developed a slight fear of not catching the ball and getting hit in the face since I don't know when... Had a few pairs of specs knocked crooked... haha... but today was good... maybe I didn't feel that the other people were so violent.. managed to have fun...

feel happily tired today... not dead beat... just happily tired...

Been busy recently with preparations of a camp coming up real soon... I'm in charge of recruiting members, which feels stressful, because my other committee members are working on the ASSUMPTION that I'll manage to get a good number of campers...

Collected camp fees from my first confirmed camper today, just hours ago... he asked if a lot of people have signed up... i told him response is good, which is true... people are enquiring and some have decided to come, some are deciding to come...

I'm a worry wart... but admitting that suggests that I worry excessively and thus also assumes somewhat that things will turn out ok in the end... which I worry, may not be so... there, THE WORRY WART in extremes... worrying about being a worry wart..

I don't like failure... or let's just say I want the ultimate outcome to be good, a success...

I'm not strong enough for failure. I need success for self esteem, which I am lacking... I need to prove my competence to myself... weird, i suppose... or maybe not.