in thoughts...

My diaries all these years, since I was young, all face a similar fate... Initially, when they are first began, they are written almost everyday... usually as part of some New Year resolution...then, as time passes, there may be an entry every two weeks, then gradually once a month, then they stop completely with the exception of THE entry that comes on the eve of my examinations, which is filled with angst and worries and frustration and what-have-you... I try not to write vulgarities in my entries of my diaries... Well, I only did it once... That was during JC, when I was really stressed out... Not good for posterity, just in case I die suddenly and my diaries are read by someone else... hahah... but then, I don't really care...

Actually I don't know why I write diaries... Nothing particular interesting or exciting happens, then again my definition of interesting or exciting will definitely differ from yours... Still, I sometimes feel the need to register somewhere, the mundanities of my life... sometimes it's just a record of musings I have through the day, or through the week, depending on how long I muse upon a particular subject... But if I think about it for too long, it gets too complicated to put down on paper, which explains why my diaries eventually come to nothing...

I realised that my last entry was about a week ago... and I thought I had to write something here, before my blog dies a premature death like my diaries... I don't intend to let my friends know about this blog... because this is sort of like my diary... If I have anything I really want to say to them, I suppose I'll say it to them straight, not here... ;) So if you're a friend of mine who chances on this blog by accident, please don't tell me that you're reading my blog... or I may feel obliged to write stuff that's "politically" or "socially" correct, in order not to offend anyone I know... which will defeat the purpose of my writing a blog...

There was once in my sociology class that my tutor asked us, what things we keep around our homes that has no real practical use, but are treasured... My answer, among other things, included my "diaries" or my books containing my "musings"... My tutor then asked me if I really wanted to keep my thoughts lying around, and he gave the example of a person who had really erotic dreams which he recorded down, and those became public in the end... I said I didn't mind, because my musings definitely do not include erotic dreams, and even if they do, my books will only become public after I die (because I guard them safely), and I won't really bother with how people think of me after I die... I mean, after I die, even if I am concerned about how people think of me, I won't have the ability to do anything to change it... I suppose why I treasure these musings so much is because they are part of me and what I think... Maybe if I read more books I would realise that someone else has talked about the same stuff in more depth before, and my thoughts wouldn't seem so unique or smart anymore, but at least for a while, I, ME, MYSELF owned them only... Other people reading my musings may think I'm not original, that maybe I ripped something off someone else's book, but hey, I wouldn't know until I chance upon THAT someone else's book, right? I think my beliefs and thoughts constitute part of my identity, and so it is important for me to think my thoughts out, so I can clear up my identity - what kind of person I am, what kind of person I aspire to be and so on...