in thoughts...

A friend, Desmond, had shared with me an essay on friends and lovers, which he had written some time ago... Wanted to comment about it, just hadn't gotten down to putting it into words here... I'm revealing his name instead of just calling him D, as I usually use only initials, because I'll be quoting him in the parts in bold below... ;)

"Among my friends, among the singles who were un-single before, they told me that having a boyfriend/girlfriend is not as good as it seems. They recount their horrors, disappointments, aggravation, anger, irritation and what-have-u with their boyfriend/girlfriend...they will say that friends are better than lovers.
For a long while, I accepted this as the truth. That is, you need to put in more for lovers, whereas for friends, we just accept whatever they give us and whoever they are."

Regarding accepting friends as they are... I'm not that sure... I think sometimes we try to change our friends, with the intention of making them better people... How the results are, for better or worse, that's another matter isn't it? But of course, we only do this to our closer friends, not those mere acquaintances... And I'm sure we've heard of people trying to change their lovers... Probably, the closer we are to a person, the more we may try to change that person, and not just accept her/him as she/he is... Maybe it's because we expect more from them... we have higher hopes for people we hold close to our hearts than the mere stranger or passerby on the street...

Yet thinking about what people always say about true love... How we should just love the person as he/she is... Loving the good points, overlooking the shortcomings... That's difficult isn't it... Something to learn... though it might not always be bad to try to change little bits of them here and there... ;)

"Friends are not better than lovers. They are just different. Friends are people whose lives have, at one moment, intertwined with yours, and both you and him feel comfortable enough with each other to try to maintain the relationship. Lovers are people whose life "should" intertwine with yours for the rest of ur life."

For me, a lover is a special type of friend... Meaning that a lover has to be, at the very least, a very good friend, with the additional quality of loving me in a way my other friends do not, and allowing me to love him in a way his other friends do not...

I like to see Life as a long long path we all have to walk through... We are all heading the same way, just at different speeds and paces... Friends are people, who at one point or another, walk beside you, helping you along those really rocky parts, wiping your wounds for you when you fall, sharing your ups and downs... At some points, maybe you're not really beside each other... One may be walking slightly ahead, one slightly behind... Sometimes different friends join you at different points... Sometimes you wish one particular friend or one particular group of friends are with you... Maybe sometimes you wish to walk alone... Sometimes your friends may leave you while you're still walking... Maybe they've reached the final destination, where they will be waiting for you... In that sense, your paths do intertwine, not only at one moment, but for many moments...

A lover should be one who allows you to walk your own pace, be beside you most of the time... Someone who never makes you feel alone... Someone who walks behind you when you feel you need to be alone for a while... never intruding, but always there, supporting... one who feels your pain while he/she cleans your wound... And this someone, even if she/he reaches the final destination before you, will leave you enough love to feel as if she/he has never left you... This is when two paths not only intertwine, but naturally become one path...

Thinking of Collin Raye's song, "Love Me"....
"If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through, I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down, Darling wait and see...
And between now and then, till I see you again
I'll be loving you... Love me..."

I always felt that it's amazing how children are created... when you're faced with the facts that one particular sperm has to go through so much to fertilise an egg, children are like miracles... well, humans or any other form of being that's reproduced becomes like a miracle... And it's sad how many of these miracles are somewhere in the world, abandoned by their parents, or "murdered" during their formation... I'm quite anti-abortion actually, unless there are special circumstances to be considered...

Yet to some people, things can be worth more than children... Their creations are more precious than human lives to them... I watched CSI(Crime Scene Investigation) some time ago, where it was about this group of people who put together their own machines, very much like remote control cars with destructive parts... they then put their cars in a ring to "fight" other cars, where utter destruction of the opponent's car is the goal... one man's car had this rotating gear-like thing that saws through the opponent's car even before the opponent's car could come near... This man thought his car was quite invincible, but one day he was defeated by another man... This other man was later found dead... He bled to death after his leg was sawn apart by the man's car... This owner of the "killer car" naturally became the suspect, though actually he didn't kill the man...

When the lady from the CSI team was interrogating him, she said, "I understand how you feel..." The man asked, "I assume you have a child?" She replied yes. And he said something to the effect of, "Just because you squeezed out something from between your legs doesn't mean you understand how I feel."

To him, his creation was better than any child... The car was not "like his child"... He was the creator of this "amazing" thing... The better his creation, the more he felt like a "god"... To him, to pluck an idea from the air and make it real and good was the supreme thing in life...

And therefore the act of reproducing, has been reduced to a simple act of expansion and contraction of muscles... fine...

My friend YZ was telling me and another friend A about this spacecraft called "Galileo" that took pictures of Jupiter... "Galileo" has proven to be a great machine, aiding human knowledge in ways unimaginable... It surpassed its estimated "lifespan" and found out that one of Jupiter's moons actually has an ocean, which means it might contain lifeforms... However, the fuel in "Galileo" is running out soon, and there is insufficient fuel for it to come back to earth, and to prevent it from crashing into this potential lifeform-containing ocean, the people controlling "Galileo" decided to crash it into the face of Jupiter... which means "Galileo" died a horrible death, because it couldn't stand a chance when it smashed into Jupiter's hot surface...

It didn't sound fair to "Galileo"... That after all its work, it still got the destruction it didn't deserve... at least that was what YZ, A and me all felt... Yet we were just talking about a machine, an inanimate thing... YZ also showed us the website picture of the creator of "Galileo" crying and hugging someone when "Galileo" crashed... At that point I wondered, did he have children? If he did, how did his children compare to "Galileo"? How did he treat the people in his life compared to his creation?

I have a few friends who believe in the theory of "The One"... Not the Matrix way of the Saviour... But rather that there is ONE person out there in this world who's meant to be their ONE true love...

I don't quite subscribe to that... Can you imagine the probability of meeting that ONE person in your life? I don't think I'll even notice him even if I walk past him a million times, let alone get to know him...

I'm thinking about this recently largely because of this new movie that's being advertised widely... "Turn Left Turn Right - 向左走，向右走"... I'm telling the version I read online, from the book (The movie's adapted from a book)...About this two people who live next to each other in an apartment but have never met... One has a habit of turning to the left, the other always turns to the right... The guy's a violinist looking for his one true love, while the girl's one true love is poetry... She's a writer or something... So, two parallel lines shouldn't ever meet, but they come together one day at a park, fountain-like place(I think, because it's round, and that's how they can ever meet), have the best time of their lives, till this shower of rain cuts their fun short... they exchange numbers and turn in the two different directions as dictated by their habit...

But they realise, on reaching home, that the rain had seeped through their coats and smudged the numbers till they were unrecognisable... They both waited by the phone, hoping the other would call... Time passed.... They had many close encounters of nearly meeting... Playing with the same cat or dog, kissing the same baby they passed on the street.... Yet not meeting... That winter was cold... They both decided to go away, leave this cold lonely place... They went to the park one last time with their luggage... And the two parallel lines met once more...

It's nice and sweet to think that there is one person out there just meant for you... But if you think that there is just that ONE person meant for you, it may not be all that good... Imagine you're in a relationship with this person... maybe at this stage you're not feeling that close to that person, or having some doubts about how far you could go as a couple... Maybe you're at a stage of comfort, just comfort, the sparks have died down... If you hold the view that there is "The ONE", you might be tempted to think that "The One" is still out there, and is not the one beside you....

I believe in the theory of "The Kind"... That there is a "type" of guy or girl that each person is suitable for... In your life, you will meet one, two or three of "The Kind" that you're compatible with... It's like you've a computer... you can install Internet Explorer or you can install Netscape...You'll choose one... Or maybe you'll try every one of "The Kind" you meet, I don't know... But hopefully eventually you settle down with one of "The Kind" - the one whom you like, and who also likes you back... The point is, I think "The Kind" makes more sense than "The One"... At least it's more feasible in terms of probability... haha... I'm a realist, if there's such a thing...

So the thing is, once you've found one of "The Kind", you should just be contented and be convinced that there is not such thing as "The ONE is still out there".... It's not fair to the person beside you... In fact, you should convince yourself that the one you have is "The One", if you must believe in that....

I read the book "Man and Wife" by Tony Parsons, and I felt very strongly about some things he wrote, under the character of "Harry Silver"... Harry learns many things about love... One thing he learns from his mom, is that the trick is not that some couples just have everlasting love, but that:

"You just have to fall in love again."

Harry Silver got divorced once, then got married again... Then he met this girl and has a short "innocent" affair with her... Partly also because he believed his wife would rather be with someone else...But eventually he went back to his wife...

In some ways the knowledge that either of us could survive without the other made what we had seem even more precious - we stayed together because we chose to stay together.

In a world full of choices, we chose each other.
"Harry Silver", Tony Parsons in "Man and Wife"

Another forwarded mail which touched me... Reading this reminded me of "Pay It Forward", though in that movie it wasn't such a nice ending... The innocence and sincerity of the person who bravely extends out a helping hand... not asking for a return, and sometimes really not getting it... But I'll prefer to believe that sometimes the return comes not to you, but someone you hold close to your heart... In "Pay It Forward", I like to think that the boy's greatest wish was to have his mom find a man who really loves her... It was, in fact, essential for him that this happened, to allow him to still have hope in this world - hope that people can still genuinely care for and love one another... That was why he thought of his school project which most of us would consider impossible, unfeasible, inpractical... To spread goodwill forward, not backwards....

"It's one of the most beautiful compensations in life that no man can truly help another without helping himself."
Ralph Waldo Emerson


***

He almost didn't see the old lady, stranded on the side of the road. But even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out.

His 20-year-old Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her. Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe, he looked poor and hungry. He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was that chill which only fear can put in you.

He said, "I'm here to help you ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan." Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough.; Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two.

Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and he hurt his hands. As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him.

She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid. Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. She asked him how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened, had he not stopped.

Bryan never thought twice about the money. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.

He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, "...and think of me".

He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the light.

A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was familiar to her. The cash register was like the telephone of an out-of-work actor - it didn't ring much.

Her waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed that the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude.

The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan. After the lady finished her meal, and the waitress went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, the lady slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be, then she noticed something written on the napkin, under which were four $100 bills.

There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady had written "You don't owe me anything, I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do : Do not let this chain of love end with you."

Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she arrived home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed that money? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard on both of them.

She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, "Everything's going to be all right; I love you, Bryan."

30th August 2003 - I had a talk with a few friends yesterday... in fact they were talking about religion, choices and all those philosophical stuff when I joined them... One of them was a Buddhist, so we started asking her about karma and the works... My mom's a Buddhist too, so I'm not exactly new to that... Then Q started wondering if the gods knew exactly how many beings there are in the world... I felt that wasn't important... Mathematics and the counting of numbers is, after all, just a human construct… We started asking Q why numbers are so important… He felt that for the supreme being to be able to know the system, for a perfect system to operate and balance out, the supreme being should know exactly how many creatures there are in the system… So we talked about whether numbers were that necessary… We drifted to whether Mathematics as we see and know it is really crucial, for aliens from Mars may call as “Blah” what we term as “one”… So Q said that no matter what we call it, the basic idea is there… One pencil is one pencil, whether you call it “One Pencil” or “Blah Blah Blah”… So I asked him, even if we have this same idea with Martians about numbers, what good will that do us? Q replied that it’ll make exchange fair… That’s when A, our friend doing Economics, blurted out that that was totally economic theory… Still I felt that numbers were just numbers and did not increase our morality or anything like that, and so was beside the point… Yet I could see Q’s point, because if we have a system to govern creatures by “counting” how much karma they accumulated, and to balance life and so on, we need to have a clear and fair system of keeping these numbers in check… I went away to refill my bottle with water as our discussion came to a stalemate…

And that's when part of the meaning of The Matrix Reloaded came to me... I told Q: There is a system. The system works or at least it governs our lives. Whether or not we understand the system is not important, because the system continues regardless of our understanding or the lack of it. If the system fails, it is due to human error. When the system fails, the world comes to an end. When it ends, the Engineer, Architect, God, whoever, corrects or tries to correct something, then runs the system again.

I'm not even sure I subscribe to whatever I said to Q. But it seems that for that moment when I realised what the idea was about, it felt really true... Maybe that's how religion is like... you believe because it seems true...maybe that's why so many people believe in Jesus... Because he's in history... Because we state time according to his birth - B.C and stuff... But somehow I’m not convinced to become a Christian… I’m pretty sure he lived… I won’t be surprised if he died and then resurrected himself… But even if those are facts, it does nothing to increase my wanting to become a Christian… Facts are just facts… The fact is that I’m facing a computer screen as I type this in, but this fact does nothing to me… It stirs up nothing in me…

Yet sometimes I feel like wanting to know for sure, which Gods really exist… which boils down to wanting to know the facts… I recall reading a Calvin & Hobbes comic, where I think Calvin was refusing to eat his dinner, which I presumed contained chicken, because he said to his mom, something to the effect of “What if we died and realised God is a chicken?” That brings to mind the question of, what if we believe in the wrong god? What will happen to us then? So wait… maybe facts do convince people to take up religion…

I think I feel angst towards some religions because of the suggested lack of control by people… If I can’t choose how to live my life, if some God has decided how my destiny is going to be, what’s the point of letting me live out a predestined life? Why make me think that I’m making my own decisions if some God has already decided for me? Sometimes to make myself feel better, I convince myself that this God has be benevolent enough to do a Matrix like thing for all of us… That there are a few choices I can make, and when I choose one of them, it brings me to some more choices I can make… So this God is restricting me a little, but I still have some control… And each of my decision may lead to changes in some of the choices of some other people in my life…And this smart God would have taken that into consideration and formatted all that into the Matrix designed for us… I think I’m a control freak at times…

But I felt very happy after that discussion, though it doesn’t seem to have brought me anywhere… it felt good… as if I was reaching deep into my soul for answers… and for a while I felt that inner enlightenment was possible… that the answers I need are not hidden in a specific place somewhere… But that I just need the chance to be “triggered” by intriguing thoughts, and I may find my answers, perhaps with the help of some people… Or is it just a matter of being convinced by the people involved in the discussion or argument?

“It is a very dangerous thing to listen. If one listens one may be convinced; and a man who allows himself to be convinced by an argument is a thoroughly unreasonable person.”
“Lord Goring”, Oscar Wilde in "An Ideal Husband".

ADDED IN NOTE: found the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip, but can't post it here, cos picture posting is not supported... darn..so gotta provide the website for this comic strip:

Calvin and Hobbes Cartoon, 15 July 1992